I went to the hardware store to get a couple of tools for a project and rang up some paint, tape and furniture rollers.
Everything went smoothly. I chatted a bit with the cashier while waiting for the paint to mix and exchanged some job talk, as we’ve both worked in the trades.
Pretty normal so far. I pay for my stuff, and put the roller in my side pocket and give it a pat, out of habit.
The painting tape goes in my other pocket, and I give it a pat, and I grab the paint.
He hands me the receipt, and having no space left, I shove it into my back pocket while turning to walk out.
My hand goes a bit too fast, and I accidentally slap my booty so loud it reverberates throughout the store.
My cheeks are still jiggling as I look back and lock eyes with the cashier. He saw it. He heard it. I just loudly spanked my own ass in front of this dude and he’s staring back with a look of profound confusion.
I skedaddle the fuck out of there, cheeks red. I can never return.
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That’s a power move, you have to go back, frequently. You own this place now
“There he goes, caked up Bob. Never enters the store unnoticed.”
He’s called “Big Bob” for a reason, cause that ass don’t quit
You were merely displaying dominance with your drump truck, a common mating ritual at the hardware store.
I skedaddle the fuck out of there, cheeks red. I can never return.
I think the poetry of this final line is executed perfectly, the fact that both cheeks (face and ass) are possibly red in this scenario and the reader is left to interpret which one the author is currently talking about really speaks about society and the way we interpret our own reactions to events afterwards. Excellent, just excellent.
My cheeks are still jiggling as I look back and lock eyes with the cashier. He saw it. He heard it. I just loudly spanked my own ass in front of this dude and he’s staring back with a look of profound confusion.
Please make this the next tagline
I skedaddle the fuck out of there, cheeks red. I can never return.
as long as you didn’t say “climb aboard” while smacking your ass and follow it up with a horse click, I think you’re ok.
a few weeks ago I farted while asking for the check at a restaurant. it was not on purpose, I was actually having the worst gas pain ever at that precise moment and struggling to maintain composure until I could get outside. my efforts failed at the worst moment.
anyway, I was back there a week later.
grace is an illusion.
yeah you fucked up as you were supposed to maintain confident eye contact throughout this ordeal
rookie mistake
You must go back wearing assless chaps.
Otherwise, they’ll suspect you of fraud.
Oh good. I just had one of these, too. I’m in Japan and wanted coffee. After a few blocks not seeing any dedicated coffee places, I decided a convenience store would suffice. They have the coffee gadgettron 9000 with no coffee cups in sight. I figured the machine would supply the cup as well, or if not, at least sense that there wasn’t a cup in place before it started pissing its own pants with coffee. Neither was the case. After failing to find a pause/cancel button, I summoned my inner skeleton and just walked out.
You should have put your head under the faucet of coffee and drank from it. It’s too late now, of course, but you can always go back and do it all over again to recover.
People smack their ass on accident all the time, you’ll be fine, likely no one will remember, unless the cashier was making face with an obvious DAT look.
