I hope this question is not too weird (if so just tell me and I’ll delete it).
As a 21 year old guy from Germany I always admired Americans. What particularly impressed me was their social skills, their outgoing/confident nature and humor.
I don’t know if it’s also connected with being a German but I’m generally a very shy and introverted person. I have very strong social anxiety and just when someone in public or a neighbor sees me, it creates this overwhelming anxiety because I’m so scared that I will embarrass myself and be awkward because I have very bad self esteem and don’t know what to say and how to act. So most of the time I end up saying nothing and hiding myself which is very awkward or I say the bare minimum like to the grocery store cashier like only “Hello” and “Thanks, bye”. I have this extreme amount of shame that’s blocking me.
Germans might often generally be introverted or awkward but I’m on a whole different level.
Then Americans seem like this stark contrast which feels like the exact opposite. It feels like Americans are on a different level of confidence and extroversion than any country I know.
That makes it almost impossible for me to interact with an American as it creates this immense pressure on me (also cause English isn’t my native language).
Even on a daily basis the way they’re having small talks in grocery stores or talk to strangers that they’re walking by seems impossible for me. And I’m afraid that if I ever would go to the US and people talk to me that I would be extremely awkward and don’t say anything and wouldn’t be able to smile. And I’m afraid that this might come over as rude and they think bad of me.
I really would wanna interact with an American in person cause it seems like it could be so enriching but right now that seems impossible.
I was wondering if there is anything particular that makes Americans so good at that or if they have any secret. Or maybe they’re just on a different level cause they’re from the best country in the world and are the best/most capable people in the world.
Cause it’s my ultimate dream to be on that same level and interact with people like Americans.
Maybe it’s impossible for me to get to anything near that and I will simply never be good enough.
You can always try to memorize some key phrases, like:
“did you see that ludicrous display last night?”
It’s usually superficial chit chat. Just weather, sports, clothing the person is wearing and family. All easy and relatable subjects that can be used to break the ice.
The fact that your German is a great talking point to bring up!
(Am an introverted American 🫠)
A complete lack of self-awareness seems to help with appearing confident.
To achieve this, cocaine may be useful
When I moved to America I adopted this personality. All it is is a script for me - I talk about observations in the current environment, the weather, comment if I like someone’s outfit/bag/shoes. It’s not genuine interest, although sometimes I get bored and talk to people.
Is this parody ? (This is a genuine question btw)
The part that makes me think that:
Or maybe they’re just on a different level cause they’re from the best country in the world and are the best/most capable people in the world.
Just keep in mind, you may have this perception because the Americans you see are happy and on vacation lol. They’re traveling to another country, which selects for confidence and curiosity.
- there are plenty of shy or anxious people in the US too!
- as you say, being outgoing is a skill. 21 is an awkward and transitional age where you’re still finding out things about yourself. As you get more comfortable it can get easier to talk to other people too.
Are you sure? I’ve never seen anyone nearly as shy/socially awkward as me from the US.
Do you have any tips on how I can improve social skills?
Where would you meet a shy or socially awkward American? Are you exploring the basements of random homes?
Fair point
If you haven’t met anyone like that from the US, it might be because they are shy and stayed home instead of meeting you! You have only dealt with a self-selected sample.
I think talking to other people just gets easier with practice, as you become more comfortable. You can also watch outgoing people and try to understand their moves. Finally, if your anxiety is due to hangups about specific things, it can help to talk to other people about those things in order to process the hangups and ease the anxiety.
I remember in university, there was this girl who I had seen around but hadn’t talked to. I don’t remember whether I knew her name already. One day she said to me “my name is [so-and-so]” and waited for me to say something back. I told her my own name and we had a good chat. I remember thinking “you can do that?”. I.e. she just told me her name in order to open a conversation, instead of asking any immediate question or looking for a lame pretext to talk to me. I expect that all non-shy people know how to do that, but to me it was news. I started doing the same thing when I met someone new, and it worked surprisingly well. There’s lots of other things like that, which you can observe and try. That’s what skills amount to.
That said, I’m not an extravert myself and have never been, and I don’t know many of those techniques. I just feel more ok about that now.
Hello, I’m an American and I’m probably as shy and sociall awkward as you lol.
I’m an American, was born here and lived here all my life, and lemme tell ya I am a goddamned introvert as all hell. Lol.
A lot of us are overconfident and overcompensating.
I have this extreme amount of shame that’s blocking me.
I think exploring the origins of this shame and addressing it is the bare minimum required to getting you to a healthier inner space.
Americans so good at that they’re just on a different level cause they’re from the best country in the world and are the best/most capable people in the world.
Is this post AI generated? Who would still think that in 2025, let alone from another 1st world country?
Cause it’s my ultimate dream to be on that same level and interact with people like Americans.
Reading your posts seems like you fit right in? All so amazing, the best etc.
The Americans you meet in Germany are not a random selection.
America is simultaneously the best country ever and one of the worst in its class. If you’re affluent, it’s the best. I make double what I could in Germany and have no complaints about my healthcare or kids schools. America only sucks for people with less money, and for them it is a shithole country in a first world suit.
Now: which kind of Americans do you think a young guy in Germany gets to meet? The poor Americans who can’t afford to go to the dentist? Or the affluent ones who can afford to travel, move abroad, or who work some fancy international job?
Look, someone has misrepresented America, and Americans to you. You have to be in VERY specific places for the type of interactions that you are describing.
Very many places in America, nobody wants to talk to you, greet you, look at you, or have you smile in their direction.
What you are describing is “Small town vibe” where you in fact usually have to be a part of the small town before people will start treating you the way you have described.
People in America have social anxiety as well.
If your desire is to be good at interpersonal relations, then you need to practice exactly that. If your fellow Germans aren’t up to the task, then I suggest finding some alternative to Omegle (since I think that got shut down?) and try to small talk with strangers over a webcam if you can.
Oh yeah I miss those times of Omegle. I used to do that all the time with a friend but I was only able to do it while being drunk lol, intoxicated it’s no problem for me.
Unfortunately there’s this thing called state dependent learning where you can’t really apply the lessons that you learned drunk while sober. Give it another shot, minus the booze.
Fake it till you make it
Nobody is actually confident, they just got good at looking confident
We’re also stupid beyond belief. Have you considered removing your sense of shame and any semblance of introspection?
But on a more pragmatic note, I think a lot of comfort in (anything, but especially in) social situations requires putting in the repetitions and trying to model certain people or traits. Who do you aspire to resemble? I’ve always appreciated media with fast-paced, witty dialog. Sitcoms from the 90s (for example, Seinfeld or Friends, to name a couple); movies by, for example, Kevin Smith or Guy Ritchie, and just becoming more comfortable with the language. Read more, watch more, expand your vocabulary, learn and master figures of speech. Then find people to hang out with and practice. Go for coffee, or a walk, or a beer, and be candid with your companions about your desires to speak captivatingly and confidently.
We really are stupid, the whole lot of us. Even the smart ones are dumb as rocks. Specifically coal rocks because we’re too damned stupid to stop poisoning our air. Lol.
From my experience it’s just part of the cultural differences. While many Americans, at least in the Midwest where I spent a lot of time for work, are very friendly and outgoing, I hardly ever got the impression that it’s deep or meaningful. From my experience it was very easy to have great conversations with people whom I hardly knew or had met just an hour ago but hardly ever did it go anywhere meaningful.
Now to the question of how does one become this outgoing kind of person: just try and talk to people, remain friendly and open. It will likely take some practice and maybe not be reciprocated by your average European.
