hey, back from the underground with another vent!
soo this weekend was basically the first time I ever kissed a man and it was simply the best kiss I have ever had - it felt really right for the first time, I liked the taste and I cannot imagine that the combination of my fucking rigid thinking and internalized homo-/transphobia made me repress this shit as well until I’m 23.
Geez I must have heard or read somewhere that men are into women and that I would become a man. That’s it - game over! Clung to that logic like my life depended on it, because all I ever wanted was to be normal so I couldn’t let this slip. I must be a man. I must be into women.
I was probably never attracted to women at all, just admired their sense of fashion and wanted to be friends with them because I could relate to them more.
All the signs were there, people pointed it out to me all the time, but I just didn’t allow myself these thoughts. Whenever women actually made any move on me I just didn’t do anything, saying they just ‘weren’t’ the right one - guess what dummy, if none are the right one, but you keep shyly checking out men, you’re into men.
Still I kept gaslighting myself and coping so hard through dissociation and pure force of will. I’m honestly surprised I made it this far.
I’m absolutely divine at gaslighting myself, coping and living in denial though… probably doing it right now, I just don’t know with what - and I won’t be able to tell until I have a breakdown because of my alexithymia.
I’m just so sloow with everything regarding mental development it’s honestly a joke at this point. My processing times are THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF - it takes me 10-15 minutes to read a page in a book and I have to stop like 4-5 times for a few minutes to walk myself through what I just read, same with YouTube Videos.
Like when people look at me, they see a 3/4 grown up man / maybe sometimes a non-passing trans woman, but I feel like I’m just stunted in my growth and will never really get the full grasp of adult human experience.
How could they diagnose me as gifted, when I wouldn’t actually be able to advance my skills at a neurotypical level AT ALL? I was just ahead of the curve at the time or they were giving me an outdated test, but I stayed at that level and only gained more knowledge.
How can I even have a job? Ah yeah… I memorized about two pages of scripted, non-emotional & predictable conversation and now people pay me to rattle that off to stangers for eight hours a day.
This disorder is veil.
bye bye, talk to you next time when my life is in shambles <3
Took me until my late 20s to learn that it was possible for men to be women and that it’s not normal for a boy to think “of course i would rather be a girl who wouldn’t?” for their entire life.
We need to question the “rules” of society more often, especially the ones that limit your freedoms that would cost others nothing.
Also yeah imposter syndrome sucks, especially once you get a “big job” and realize most jobs are actually super easy to understand/do, and that the strict requirements for applicants are complete bullshit for almost all jobs.
I have no idea what I just read but you might want to go for a hike somewhere quiet. It is relaxing to take your mind off things for a while.
thx, I do take long walks regularly but sadly can’t afford any vacation rn
If you had a choice or your mother had a choice from developing stages. Would you take something that removes your autistic traits? It makes you 100% neurotypical or would you keep it? Would you want your mother to take it? How would you feel about your mother making that decision for you? I ask this a lot BTW.
yes ofc, I would take it, she should take it, I wouldn’t be sad in the slightest!
I’m through the coping / bargaining stage of telling myself this is a ‘superpower’. I think most autists are very much more miserable than neurotypical people so they dissociate by engulfing themselves in their special interest(-s). In the end, they might discover something and receive external gratification / some semblance of success.
But it doesn’t matter for them because they were dissociated and didn’t even experience life in any meaningful way. Yet society likes them that way so they enforce the behaviour by telling us we’re smart special flowers.
Dissociation I think is a key coping strategy for many of us. Not only because of what I wrote above, but because whenever I drag myself out of it, I become self-aware enough to experience how autism effects me every second of my life.
Living with that knowledge is hard, but better than dissociated.
Perfectly valid that you’d rather not be autistic! But those of us who wouldn’t want our autism removed aren’t secretly using that as a cope or deluding ourselves that it’s a super power. Personally, I just feel like it’s inseparable from my personality and who I am at the core of my being. I wouldn’t want to not be autistic kinda the same way I wouldn’t want to not be trans. Sure, it’d be easier to be neurotypical, and it’d be easier to be cis. But I wouldn’t be me if I were, y’know?
Again, you’re valid in wanting to be neurotypical, but those of us who don’t want that are valid, too.
I’m so happy for you! I know that it seems like everything is awful, but you’ve discovered who you want to be and what you like. Some people go their whole life without ever figuring that out.
sometimes the void just needs yelling at. vent away.
“this weekend was basically the first time I ever kissed a man and it was simply the best kiss I have ever had - it felt really right for the first time.”
Inspite of all of our challenges or because of them, it’s important to focus on these moments when we can. When we succeed at something it doesn’t matter what our age is, we still succeeded at it. A lot of people are not able to experience their sexual identity until they are in their 20s. 33 year old you probably just wants to give you a hug and let you know it turned out better than you ever expected.
thx <3 yeah I know, I’m just grieving. I know you people here are overwhelmingly nice. so I just write these things here to also work through them and share my experiences
I hate my BPD more than anything. I’ve learned to cope with everything else quite well. To the point where it was a surprise that I was even diagnosed. But the all or nothing emotional states and having my mood change randomly because of some random external stimuli that is mostly centered around other human beings, makes it next to impossible to navigate society.
deleted by creator
?
deleted by creator
Don’t think she’s a man, pal. Read the room.
