hey, back from the underground with another vent!
soo this weekend was basically the first time I ever kissed a man and it was simply the best kiss I have ever had - it felt really right for the first time, I liked the taste and I cannot imagine that the combination of my fucking rigid thinking and internalized homo-/transphobia made me repress this shit as well until I’m 23.
Geez I must have heard or read somewhere that men are into women and that I would become a man. That’s it - game over! Clung to that logic like my life depended on it, because all I ever wanted was to be normal so I couldn’t let this slip. I must be a man. I must be into women.
I was probably never attracted to women at all, just admired their sense of fashion and wanted to be friends with them because I could relate to them more.
All the signs were there, people pointed it out to me all the time, but I just didn’t allow myself these thoughts. Whenever women actually made any move on me I just didn’t do anything, saying they just ‘weren’t’ the right one - guess what dummy, if none are the right one, but you keep shyly checking out men, you’re into men.
Still I kept gaslighting myself and coping so hard through dissociation and pure force of will. I’m honestly surprised I made it this far.
I’m absolutely divine at gaslighting myself, coping and living in denial though… probably doing it right now, I just don’t know with what - and I won’t be able to tell until I have a breakdown because of my alexithymia.
I’m just so sloow with everything regarding mental development it’s honestly a joke at this point. My processing times are THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF - it takes me 10-15 minutes to read a page in a book and I have to stop like 4-5 times for a few minutes to walk myself through what I just read, same with YouTube Videos.
Like when people look at me, they see a 3/4 grown up man / maybe sometimes a non-passing trans woman, but I feel like I’m just stunted in my growth and will never really get the full grasp of adult human experience.
How could they diagnose me as gifted, when I wouldn’t actually be able to advance my skills at a neurotypical level AT ALL? I was just ahead of the curve at the time or they were giving me an outdated test, but I stayed at that level and only gained more knowledge.
How can I even have a job? Ah yeah… I memorized about two pages of scripted, non-emotional & predictable conversation and now people pay me to rattle that off to stangers for eight hours a day.
This disorder is veil.
bye bye, talk to you next time when my life is in shambles <3
“this weekend was basically the first time I ever kissed a man and it was simply the best kiss I have ever had - it felt really right for the first time.”
Inspite of all of our challenges or because of them, it’s important to focus on these moments when we can. When we succeed at something it doesn’t matter what our age is, we still succeeded at it. A lot of people are not able to experience their sexual identity until they are in their 20s. 33 year old you probably just wants to give you a hug and let you know it turned out better than you ever expected.
thx <3 yeah I know, I’m just grieving. I know you people here are overwhelmingly nice. so I just write these things here to also work through them and share my experiences