hey, back from the underground with another vent!

soo this weekend was basically the first time I ever kissed a man and it was simply the best kiss I have ever had - it felt really right for the first time, I liked the taste and I cannot imagine that the combination of my fucking rigid thinking and internalized homo-/transphobia made me repress this shit as well until I’m 23.

Geez I must have heard or read somewhere that men are into women and that I would become a man. That’s it - game over! Clung to that logic like my life depended on it, because all I ever wanted was to be normal so I couldn’t let this slip. I must be a man. I must be into women.

I was probably never attracted to women at all, just admired their sense of fashion and wanted to be friends with them because I could relate to them more.

All the signs were there, people pointed it out to me all the time, but I just didn’t allow myself these thoughts. Whenever women actually made any move on me I just didn’t do anything, saying they just ‘weren’t’ the right one - guess what dummy, if none are the right one, but you keep shyly checking out men, you’re into men.

Still I kept gaslighting myself and coping so hard through dissociation and pure force of will. I’m honestly surprised I made it this far.

I’m absolutely divine at gaslighting myself, coping and living in denial though… probably doing it right now, I just don’t know with what - and I won’t be able to tell until I have a breakdown because of my alexithymia.

I’m just so sloow with everything regarding mental development it’s honestly a joke at this point. My processing times are THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF - it takes me 10-15 minutes to read a page in a book and I have to stop like 4-5 times for a few minutes to walk myself through what I just read, same with YouTube Videos.

Like when people look at me, they see a 3/4 grown up man / maybe sometimes a non-passing trans woman, but I feel like I’m just stunted in my growth and will never really get the full grasp of adult human experience.

How could they diagnose me as gifted, when I wouldn’t actually be able to advance my skills at a neurotypical level AT ALL? I was just ahead of the curve at the time or they were giving me an outdated test, but I stayed at that level and only gained more knowledge.

How can I even have a job? Ah yeah… I memorized about two pages of scripted, non-emotional & predictable conversation and now people pay me to rattle that off to stangers for eight hours a day.

This disorder is veil.

bye bye, talk to you next time when my life is in shambles <3