(Austin, TX) As national news dominates the headlines, a conflict is brewing in Texas that has state lawmakers worried about a rift that could devastate the party. At issue is a measure currently being debated in the state house, regarding a new abortion technique which uses a tiny firearm to complete the procedure. Texans are taking firm stands on both sides.
Proponents of the Gatt procedure see it as a humane way to terminate a pregnancy under Texas law. Doctors introduce a very tiny firearm into the placenta, loaded and with no safety devices whatsoever. Given firearm safety statistics, were they kept in the US, doctors estimate the pregnancy will end within a week, or about half this time if the mother has been drinking.
Firearm advocates say this is a tragic reality that cannot be avoided. “Shall. Not. Be. Infringed.” says Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in northeast Texas. “The law is clear. We can’t take away the right to defend yourself, even from a baby, or that right doesn’t exist for all of us.” Leo’s view is reflected by many in Texas, in a state with strict gun protection laws and which has challenged every second amendment restriction ever tried by the federal government. As one legislator said in his speech this week, “you cannot protect tyranny to save one life.”
But equally vocal republican voices stand opposed to this view. “Every. Single. Life. Matters.” said Leo Sturbgetter, when asked the question from the abortion viewpoint. “The law is clear. Every abortion is a crime against God.” “Pro Life” advocate are active and vocal on the issue; as one legislator said in his speech this week, “you cannot save even one life without tyranny.”
Democratic lawmakers are no help in the division, as their proposal of tiny gun locks produced scorn from both sides of the republican debate. Heated words are turning to threats, and with both sides armed and not in utero, law enforcement officers are calling for peace but fearing violence.
“This can easily get out of control,” said one law enforcement officer who asked not to be named. “This could literally lead to a bloodbath in the house chamber, and I do not look forward to the 4 to even 8 hours of standing outside in a police cordon that would entail, until the final shooters gave up.”
Governor Greg Abbot says he will stand (metaphorically) with whichever side wins the debate.
Oh, man…you almost had me. I got at least two paragraphs in before I thought, “this can’t be true…can it?” Checked the header…oh, thank God.
Unfortunately the Gatt procedure is inpatient, it cannot be performed by drive by.
The Onion has to stop. They’re just telling the future now…
This isn’t the onion; it’s an original by OP. You can tell because they all contain Leo Sturbgetter the cow detangler.
He gets around… but cow detangling has always been a nomadic career.
Bro should go write for the Onion because this one is amazing
Bravo! BRAVO!
Governor Greg Abbot says he will stand (metaphorically) with whichever side wins the debate.
The pièce de résistance!
Legal secession! Seriously, though. Fuck Texas
This is marvellous.
This is absolutely fantastic
Beautifully written. This is amazing journalism - merci, bravo!
Tiny guns are weapons of war, and have no place in the medical field!
Tiny gun locks… love it.
The most believable part of the story is the democratic party fumbling the issue.
Every fucking time. Instead of listening to gun owners and what we would go for, they introduce ineffective bullshit after bullshit.
Have a look for “California AR grip”. Dumbasses outlawed .50 caliber rifles because legislators were told they could take down a passenger liner. Not one has ever been used in crime. I could go on for ages.
Gun based retroactive abortions are coming next.
Barring the passage, Texas secedes from Texas
So I expect this to actually happen in the next few years now that the Oracle has spoken.
I know a placenta that shot back at the mother thru the butthole from the womb. Now, who will defend the mother?
Introducing BabyCare R US total protection sentinel mode buttplug! The BCRUS200 can detect, track and eliminate up to 2 Million placental cells per second! With its integrated targeting system and its tiny lead shells which are easily replenished, it will swiftly protect your second amendment…through the butthole!
