Mfw I turn on the selfie camera.

This is how it feels to chew 5 Gum

The spider in the corner when they see you destroying their home

I can haz cheezeburger?

Spider Mench

Who? Me?

“in that mere fraction of a second, regret set in as Rolf realized the zipper had snagged his beans”

Hello skinny hooman

You found what on my web history?!

“Hey bro, your alarm went of like, 4 times already. You’re gonna be late for work.”

DO YOU HAVE GAMES ON YOUR PHONE!?

Hey my guy, I know you were just cracking a joke about teeth hair… but I just want you to know that your joke was insensitive and it really hurt my feelings.

I have a condition and hair on my teeth is not something I can control, okay? So can we stop with the teeth hair jokes?

Teeth hair.

Hey! Do you want to make an app? I have an idea for an app.

WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR CAR’S EXTENDED WARRANTY