I think what you should do is just write a note for him. Avoid mentioning any of the arguments. Just let hime know you care and will be there when he gets out and that you love him. I don’t know your relationship but it sounds like the fights aren’t a big deal, so just focus on the important stuff.

Arguments and disagreements happen, especially when you’re going through something stressful and especially especially when one member of a relationship struggles with emotional self awareness. You know this already, but I know for me that having a reminder that everyone has moments like this. Please don’t spend too much time feeling embarrassed!

Sounds like your partner has already given up on communicating for today at least. Maybe tomorrow approach him with something like “hey, I know things got heated yesterday, and I’m sorry for my part in it. Can we just put that aside for now? I don’t want to be away from you and I don’t want to be upset with each other before your procedure.” That might convince him to take the truce and not shut you out.

Diverticulitis surgery outcomes are usually pretty positive, especially compared to complications from the condition. Just keep your chin up, you got this.

I spent 6 months in the hospital dying faster than normal. My spouse was there to visit me nearly every day and we often got into fights about, in retrospect, supremely stupid shit. This is all to say that we experienced a traumatic event from two very different viewpoints. You’re partner is afraid about what could potentially go wrong and so are you. But you both aren’t afraid in the same way; you just can’t be and there is nothing wrong with that. But good news! Nothing’s gone wrong other than a stupid fight.

My advice to you is to be there to see him off and be there for his recovery. He’s scared and being an ass. You were scared and were an ass. You’ve been together 5 years. You need to be by his side even if he says you don’t have to or that mom can take care of it all.

After all, he’s your partner.

I have a friend that has survived four diverticulitis surgeries. IMO, it is common to survive these procedures.

It’s good to have a place to vent here and thank you for sharing your troubles.

As all things that seem insurmountable in life, I try to remind my self that: “this too shall pass”.

This may sound fickle and insensitive, but it is true in most cases.

The most important thing, in this situation, is that you are heard. To explain, there are other people here that are listening to you and your current difficult situation.

Nothing to add to the advice above! Just sending good thoughts your way.

I had my colon and parts of my liver removed, so I can speak to how terrifying it is. If the surgeons don’t know whether or not he’ll need an ostomy, and he has to find out after he wakes up, that adds another layer of anxiety.

True confessions: I was a real bitch before my surgery. And after.

Unfortunately some of us react to fear by becoming angry. If he knows he’s one of us, he might be doing the best thing by putting his mother in charge. She can handle him, and you won’t get hurt.

Let his mother take over. Be supportive, be there, and be calm. Try not to take any of this to heart. Talk to his mother and work with his mother to care for him. Stay centered and put an emotional wall between you and his freaking out. Treat it like a toddler having a tantrum, because really that’s what it is.

It sucks; but don’t start divorce proceedings, seeking vengeance, or airing your hurt feelings until a couple months after surgery. He’s gonna be out of his head on pain meds and the dehydration/poor nutrition/exhaustion from his guts being rerouted and re-adapting will leave him being a total shit for a while yet.

And if he doesn’t come around after that, try some couple’s counseling before making any huge decisions.

I’m sure the next few days before the surgery are going to be tough emotionally for both of you. It sounds like your SO likely doesn’t realize how worried they are or how much it’s affecting them, but giving them a little space is a good move.

Try not to beat yourself up for getting upset - it’s a perfectly normal reaction, especially in a stressful situation like this. Luckily there’re a few days before the procedure so you can hopefully discuss it and be supportive of each other. This internet stranger is sending love!

Aw man, sorry you’re going through that. It sounds like you both just really need some space to calm down and process. I also get very snappy/aggro and tend to start fights when I’m anxious. I’ve pushed my partner away during health scares as well (I’m in therapy and always apologize after tho) When I do, it’s never actually about my partner. It’s me feeling anxious, wanting space, feeling guilty about receiving help and wanting to pull away and isolate to deal with my emotions. Don’t take it personally and it’s perfectly normal to snap back at someone when they’re being a bit of an ass. You didn’t do anything wrong. Hopefully your partner just needs some space to calm down.

Also, when you’re both in a good headspace, it may be helpful to ask about why they want their mom to help them instead. He might be subconsciously guilty and not wanting to burden you.

My wife and I have what we call “bad communication days” from time to time, where each of us is stressed to the point that we’re less able to pick the right words for how we’re feeling or interpret things charitably. They suck, and I’m sorry that you’re in the thick of one (though I’m hoping that things will be better for you today).

Some things that have helped us keep our communication healthier in stressful events include

“X makes me feel” statements being rarely used. Instead of putting the onus of our emotions on the other with that sort of phrasing, we use “when x happens I feel y” to acknowledge that they’re our feelings about an event or statement and not something we’ve been forced to feel.

“Could you rephrase that, I don’t think I understood it the way you meant it” is something we both use when we feel ourselves getting elevated in conversation. It’s a more positive response than other options if there’s accusatory language, snide remarks, information that’s glosses over, or if we’ve just taken a statement really poorly and want to steer the conversation back to “respectful” territory.

Sometimes it takes us a few days to reach a point where we’re able to have the meta conversation about a previous one. That’s okay, and imho better to wait to have a truly positive talk than risk yet another bad one that’s based on rehashed fights. For us, that sounds like “we had a rough day the other day, but I’m at a place where I’ve been able to collect my thoughts so I can talk about them. I hope you’re getting there too, and I’ll be ready when you are. I love you.”

For what it’s worth, she works in a GI office and says that many of the practice’s patients that have this kind of procedure see improvements in their quality of life, especially if the condition hasn’t progressed to the point of an ostomy being needed. She’d like me to stress that she’s not a clinician and isn’t familiar with his case so she’s speaking in general, but we’re both hoping he and you will feel better soon.