Hi lemmy, this situation is kinda private so it seems easier to look for support here than it is to talk about it with most of my irl friends.
My partner is going into GI surgery in about 36 hours. We’ve been together for nearly 5 years and cohabitate, and he has a chronic GI condition that has worsened in the past couple years. He normally manages it with medication, but his flareups have gotten frequent and severe enough that he’s finally committed to surgical correction. As far as I know it’s not going to cure anything, but should hopefully make his condition more easily managed.
This of course is scary, so I’ve already got fears about what could go wrong and the possibility of something bad happening. I’m sure he does too, and he was very crabby this morning and picked a fight. I suspect it was in response to his anxiety, but he’s stubborn and has kind of doubled down on being petty and spiteful tonight. I will admit that this morning when he was being antagonistic, I let it get under my skin and blew my top back at him some and boy is he holding it against me now. I’m so embarrassed that I acted nasty this morning and have tried to mend the bad feelings with zero success. He’s gone so far as to say he plans to go to his mother’s tomorrow and have her drive him to/from the procedure and plans to spend his recovery time (1-2 weeks) at mom’s. That one hurt, the idea of not being able to see him off sucks.
I’m trying to just give him space tonight, but I have to admit that the fact that he won’t drop it and that it seems like he may huff off into this procedure is really making my preexisting anxieties about this worse. What if something happens to him and he passes away in the middle of all this tension between us? Ugh, the thought makes my stomach turn.
I know there’s no good answer here and I’m not trying to demonize him, he’s a great man that just isn’t very emotionally self aware sometimes, but I feel stuck crying on our couch terrified. (I let him have the bedroom because I know he needs to be resting and I’m gonna be up and about for a bit.) If you have any advice, memes, good vibes, or encouraging stats about diverticulitis surgery, please share. My little brother talked me down some on the phone, but I’m too embarrassed about the fight to call my friends, so here I am, sadgirling on lemmy.
I had my colon and parts of my liver removed, so I can speak to how terrifying it is. If the surgeons don’t know whether or not he’ll need an ostomy, and he has to find out after he wakes up, that adds another layer of anxiety.
True confessions: I was a real bitch before my surgery. And after.
Unfortunately some of us react to fear by becoming angry. If he knows he’s one of us, he might be doing the best thing by putting his mother in charge. She can handle him, and you won’t get hurt.
Let his mother take over. Be supportive, be there, and be calm. Try not to take any of this to heart. Talk to his mother and work with his mother to care for him. Stay centered and put an emotional wall between you and his freaking out. Treat it like a toddler having a tantrum, because really that’s what it is.
It sucks; but don’t start divorce proceedings, seeking vengeance, or airing your hurt feelings until a couple months after surgery. He’s gonna be out of his head on pain meds and the dehydration/poor nutrition/exhaustion from his guts being rerouted and re-adapting will leave him being a total shit for a while yet.
And if he doesn’t come around after that, try some couple’s counseling before making any huge decisions.
You are right, and I thank you so much for this response. I probably would be acting a fool too if I were in that position, so I’m trying my best to be understanding and to put my own freakout aside. As hurt as I would be if something happened, that fear doesn’t at all compare to the fear one must feel when its their own body, wellbeing, and life.
And you’re right about the mom thing. He’s probably gonna be a handful when he wakes up sore and incapacitated by all this. I’m trying to not take it personally, which is hard because I’m sensitive in general and wish I could “fix it” for him. Obviously, I can’t, and his wellbeing is the priority right now. Thank you for the perspective from that side of things and for your message of support!