Hi lemmy, this situation is kinda private so it seems easier to look for support here than it is to talk about it with most of my irl friends.
My partner is going into GI surgery in about 36 hours. We’ve been together for nearly 5 years and cohabitate, and he has a chronic GI condition that has worsened in the past couple years. He normally manages it with medication, but his flareups have gotten frequent and severe enough that he’s finally committed to surgical correction. As far as I know it’s not going to cure anything, but should hopefully make his condition more easily managed.
This of course is scary, so I’ve already got fears about what could go wrong and the possibility of something bad happening. I’m sure he does too, and he was very crabby this morning and picked a fight. I suspect it was in response to his anxiety, but he’s stubborn and has kind of doubled down on being petty and spiteful tonight. I will admit that this morning when he was being antagonistic, I let it get under my skin and blew my top back at him some and boy is he holding it against me now. I’m so embarrassed that I acted nasty this morning and have tried to mend the bad feelings with zero success. He’s gone so far as to say he plans to go to his mother’s tomorrow and have her drive him to/from the procedure and plans to spend his recovery time (1-2 weeks) at mom’s. That one hurt, the idea of not being able to see him off sucks.
I’m trying to just give him space tonight, but I have to admit that the fact that he won’t drop it and that it seems like he may huff off into this procedure is really making my preexisting anxieties about this worse. What if something happens to him and he passes away in the middle of all this tension between us? Ugh, the thought makes my stomach turn.
I know there’s no good answer here and I’m not trying to demonize him, he’s a great man that just isn’t very emotionally self aware sometimes, but I feel stuck crying on our couch terrified. (I let him have the bedroom because I know he needs to be resting and I’m gonna be up and about for a bit.) If you have any advice, memes, good vibes, or encouraging stats about diverticulitis surgery, please share. My little brother talked me down some on the phone, but I’m too embarrassed about the fight to call my friends, so here I am, sadgirling on lemmy.
My wife and I have what we call “bad communication days” from time to time, where each of us is stressed to the point that we’re less able to pick the right words for how we’re feeling or interpret things charitably. They suck, and I’m sorry that you’re in the thick of one (though I’m hoping that things will be better for you today).
Some things that have helped us keep our communication healthier in stressful events include
“X makes me feel” statements being rarely used. Instead of putting the onus of our emotions on the other with that sort of phrasing, we use “when x happens I feel y” to acknowledge that they’re our feelings about an event or statement and not something we’ve been forced to feel.
“Could you rephrase that, I don’t think I understood it the way you meant it” is something we both use when we feel ourselves getting elevated in conversation. It’s a more positive response than other options if there’s accusatory language, snide remarks, information that’s glosses over, or if we’ve just taken a statement really poorly and want to steer the conversation back to “respectful” territory.
Sometimes it takes us a few days to reach a point where we’re able to have the meta conversation about a previous one. That’s okay, and imho better to wait to have a truly positive talk than risk yet another bad one that’s based on rehashed fights. For us, that sounds like “we had a rough day the other day, but I’m at a place where I’ve been able to collect my thoughts so I can talk about them. I hope you’re getting there too, and I’ll be ready when you are. I love you.”
For what it’s worth, she works in a GI office and says that many of the practice’s patients that have this kind of procedure see improvements in their quality of life, especially if the condition hasn’t progressed to the point of an ostomy being needed. She’d like me to stress that she’s not a clinician and isn’t familiar with his case so she’s speaking in general, but we’re both hoping he and you will feel better soon.
You are very insightful and so kind for reaching out to your wife on my behalf! All of this advice about communication is gold, and it’s so helpful for me to hear! Yes today has been better, and I’m getting choked up seeing all of these kind responses like yours. Thank you for taking the time! The world is a better place for people like you being willing to spread compassion.
I’m really glad to know that today has been better, and I hope it’s the start of some more great times between you two as health and moods improve!