No judgment.
I had to marry my wife because all my life I had been looking for someone to jam with. I have met some great musicians, many people far more talented than I am, but it was always hard to find someone who I could instantly and easily connect that flow with and rock out together.
When I met my wife and I heard her strum and sing for the first time I knew she was special. I don’t know how to describe it but our musics can connect in a very easy and pleasing way. She has many other excellent qualities, and in addition she’s hot, but that musical connection is the one essential thing that brought us together. I feel so connected to her, she is my best friend forever and it all started from sharing musical joy together.
A strong desire to always learn and improve. I respect that there are people that know how to be and are totally content with just knowing what they know; but I personally have a hard time in intimate relationships with people that don’t take interest in learning.
I prefer strongly to date women who have a full-time job.
Every time I have bent that rule it has ended in tears.
One, my ex-wife never had a full-time job the entire time we were dating or married. She relied on me for all of the money which to a certain degree I was okay with, but also all of her entertainment.
To her, me coming home from work was an opportunity for us to spend time together, an opportunity to alleviate her boredom.
And of course, I was working hard so that we would have a happy home, so I get it, but because of that it required me to be “ON” 24/7.
I couldn’t come home and relax or play video games or have personal time to de-stress because she had been bored all day and wanted company.
The more I tried to explain this to her, the more upset it made her, the more it made her feel like I thought she was a problem, or that I resented her for not working.
I tried repeatedly to tell her that she was my wife she was the person I was working to make sure she was happy just that I needed an opportunity to recharge my battery so that I could give it my all and with the current system I could not recharge my battery and I was flatlining.
I put up with it for years bringing this up on a regular basis, and I guess because I was not a total asshole about it, she just let me keep bringing it up rather than agreeing that something needed to change.
I wanted her to have a job because when you work it gives you purpose in your life. I wanted her to have a job because when you work it brings extra money into the household, which would have been all her money but she would have had money to spend.
I wanted her to have a job because it gave her an opportunity to talk to other people and to interact with other human beings and also so that we would be generally at the same energy level when we got home from work.
A lot easier to recharge with someone who’s also recharging instead of attempting to charge someone who’s depleted while you’re depleted.
Ultimately it led to our relationship falling apart.
There were other factors on top of this but we couldn’t address those because the bear in the room was I was completely exhausted and she was fucking miserable and I did not possess the wherewithal to both be a full-time provider for the household and a full-time caretaker for a fully grown adult woman and a good and loving husband and a good friend to her.
She wanted the Moon and the Sun and the stars and the asteroid belts and the planets and the kuiper belt and the Oort cloud and I made it to the Moon and the Sun and the stars and I just couldn’t make it any farther.
So yeah, got to have a full-time job to be in a relationship with me. You got to have your own shit going on so that you’re not 100% relying on me to be your end all be all for your entire life because I’m only barely enough for myself and I don’t have enough to take on an entire additional human being on top of that.
People really need more hobbies. I love spending time with my husband but I can’t imagine not being able to entertain myself. I could happily go weeks without talking to another person, just doing my million different hobbies.
Not trying to give relationship advice, but have you considered that your 1st criterias should be “has hobbys/interests and their shit somewhat together”? with the full-time job criteria, you could ironically filter out a perfect fit and end up with the same kind of person again, without realizing it.
The fact that you got a single down vote says there’s a single person out there that can’t handle the truth.
I think there are some people who just go around downvoting everything without reading it or comprehending it.
In my opinion if you’re going to downvote something, it should either be so audaciously bad troll posting that it’s self-evident or you should follow up your downvote with a reply.
I downvote by accident all the time, and I’m sure other people do, too. I undo it when I notice, but how often do I (or anyone else) just not notice?
I want her to make more than I do. Like a lot of more money than I do.
I like to keep the house clean because I have high cleaning standards, so I have it clean before the women even think about cleaning, washing the clothes, etc. I even love cooking, I consider it a hobby, but a woman that works less and does less in the household than I do is nothing more than work for me, worse than a child. And her making more money than I kind of justifies to me that she doesn’t need to do anything in the household.
Oh! And she needs to tell me at least sometimes what she wants to eat.
Oh, and she gotta be okay with me not being able to be happy or sad for her, it’s nothing personal, just a thing about being on the psychopath spectrum lol
I enjoy that my wife is happy to, and even insists, upon going full goblin mode when we’re at home. It’s nice to just really relax and unwind with her with zero judgements.
Ooh, what does goblin mode look like?
Having races where the dogs pull you up and down the hallway on pizza boxes.
Amazing.
My personal goblin mode is private, but here’s the definition of it if that helps:
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/goblin-mode
2022 Word of the Year
Matching disorders
Red flag red flag
If I were still dating (I’m not) but one of the things I find out early on is: would they be for or against marriage/relationship counseling?
If they respond with they would never agree to see one, I end the relationship very fast. I won’t waste my time with someone that will never look to fix things.
Many times you can fix a relationship by simply talking, but sometimes it requires a professional.
My viewpoint is in every other walk life we are willing to ask for help. Baseball, football, business, repair of your car, repair of your phone or your computer. Something is wrong with not afraid to walk to a professional and say I need help. For some reason, what comes to our relationships we just won’t ask. Even if the other half of the relationship is saying we need help, there’s way too many people will say no I’ll never enter that room.
To me, that’s just a person who doesn’t want to work at the Relationship. I won’t waste my time. But as I said, I don’t date anymore. I won’t date, but when I did date, that was one of the things I looked at.
She participates in my vocal stims
Electrical conductivity. It’s gotta be high, but not too high.
Horns and a forked tongue
I like that the person doesn’t go to restaurants and hates them as much as I do, since years ago I decided to stop going to restaurants, so I understand that it can be a problem in a relationship.
not really a trait, but the lack of interest or refusal to learn english is a huge plus.
You should visit France
Why?
Clearly you’re an English speaker of some sort
i mean i would not refuse anyone who speaks or wants to learn english. i have friends to help them with that (as best as i can, meaning helping practicing, not teaching). but idk, where i live there seems to be a certain type of person who wants to learn it, and they often tend to have some unreasonable expectations regarding how it will improve their lives. no judgment or anything, but i also try to learn a fucking language here (which turns out to be WAY more difficult than one might expect) and the more i hangout with english speakers the less i learn, because we just fall back to english. so over the years some kind of appreciation for people who simply have no interest in english seems to have emerged.
Yeah the other comment is kinda rude but I genuinely wanna know
Wait, you prefer someone who’s willfully ignorant and intentionality hampers their ability to communicate with most of the world?
Do you also prefer someone who proudly proclaims that they don’t read books?
for someone with such an interest in communicating and reading, youre pretty good with reading into stuff 😅
It was the “refusal to learn” bit that threw me.
Nothing wrong with not liking a language or having no use for it, but “refusing to learn” implies that there are good reasons to learn and resources to do so, but they refuse to, regardless. Or maybe that’s just my own inference.
Anyway, sorry for being presumptuous. Hard day at work followed by a hard day at home. It’s safer to be rude to strangers online than to people I have to deal with regularly IRL.
no worries ❤️ it was a weird way to say it, ive actually never met anyone who says they “refuse” it. but honestly the ones who want to, can be frustrating and even depressing i mean sure, its never a disadvantage to speak english, but imagine this kind of convo dozens of times [context: i live in vietnam]
why you want to learn it? - i want to work in [european county where english is not an official language and labour/immigration laws only allow high skilled workers for specific positions which cannot be filled with ppl from shengen countries]
what do you wanna work there? - customer service
then should i be the asshole who destroys their dreams or the asshole who plays along and feeds their delusions? so if someone is just not interested or is maybe learning korean/japanese/chinese (which probably will be way more useful for them regarding career stuff) its simply a plus for me.
Why is it a plus for them to not want to learn English?
They answered in another post in the thread.
Thank you
Mandarin #1 Spanish #2 English #3
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_languages_by_total_number_of_speakers
So maybe it’s not necessary for them, or maybe they prefer Español.
As a bi man I’ve only ever dated subs. I’ve even been asked to bull those subs relationships as they date subs as well. I’d like to have a loving relationship where I’m the sub.
