it’s way too late to do anything about it now though, I’m well past puberty

Sorry for jumping down your throat in a second, but that shit needs to be dressed, and by that i mean i have to call it out. I get how common this is, but it’s still wrong and that needs to be corrected.

What you have there is a toxic mindset that’s actively harmful to all trans people who aren’t lucky enough to have gone on puberty blockers before any physical changes happened. Which is practically all of us. You’re telling literally every single trans person i know, me, my closest friends and everybody i dated or crushed on over the last years that you find something’s fundamentally wrong about our bodies and that you reject us and see us as failures. That assumption is as wrong, flawed and reactionary as it is insulting. I can’t even get into how insulting it is because that would get this post deleted for hostility and getting this out there is too important for that.

People forget how incredibly rare it is to avoid first puberty entirely, most trans folks don’t even crack early enough to make it an option in theory and that’s before all the hurdles like transphobic parents, medical gatekeeping or genocidal legislation. Most of the underage kids who are in gender affirming care in the first place only got there after they started going through most of or a significant part of their first puberty, taking blockers to prevent it from progressing further. Most people also can’t afford FFS, either and we’re still out there living our lives. I know a ton of trans girls who transitioned in their 30s or 40s who “pass” (fuck passing, btw) and look hot, myself included. The idea that you need to avoid your first puberty to “successfully” transition is incredibly transphobic and cissexist egg shit and you can’t do yourself a greater favor than cutting that reddit bs out ASAP. I know that’s easier said than done, i know that the first steps in a process that takes literal years are daunting, but it starts paying off early on already and a closet ain’t a place to live. I can tell you that much, i’ve tried running away from these truths for a couple decades and i’m honestly surprised i am still alive after doing that to myself. Being an instantly clockable trans woman is still better than perfectly passing as something that makes you miserable.

As far as the dick stuff goes, you can train your body to get erections on E, it just means you need to keep at it and get hard every other day or so. That’s ofc tricky for most of us, but viagra works fine, most of the transfem tops i know use it and these people have way better sex lifes than your average cissie loser. I’m not exaggerating here, i know so many transfems who seriously start living in a fucking porno once they’re past the first few years of questioning and getting their shit together and accepting themselves for who they are (and yes, all of them are people who started out in the same place as you, because i do not know anybody who got on hormones before they were 20 at the earliest). Coming to terms with your own queerness is one of the biggest game changers when it comes to getting laid, i seriously don’t know a single transfem who had a better dating life before she came out (caveat: i don’t hang out with straight trans women, things might be more difficult for them). You can’t function in relationships when you completely fake who you are.

it works better on people with white skin and light, fair hair

correction, dark hair.

re: hormones. anecdotally i know a bunch of trans women whose dicks still work. they still get hard, they still orgasm, and they still produce cum. similarly, i know trans women who didn’t lose any muscle while on e. you’d need to work out a bunch and it takes effort, but it’s very possible

ultimately it is your choice, but neither of those two factors are as insurmountable as you seem to think

i could have written this myself. im basically at your phase right now.

(CW some dysphoria/self doubt thoughts/health anxiety ahead)

i’m solidly middle aged now and the thought of having to work out nonstop to maintain my mombod makes me exhausted just thinking about it

that and i am agonizing over (what i perceive as) going from being a supposedly attractive middle aged guy to a (what my fears think will be) a fucked up looking butch monster woman. i used to have a really feminine face but age has masculinized it. i don’t think HRT will turn back the clock

and my muscle mass and activity level is keeping me somewhat trim and i’m so afraid HRT will slow me down and make me gain shit loads of weight.

that and everything is in crazy equilibriam. i’m privileged to be bafflingly healthy despite my attempts to circumvent it when younger. i’m so afraid changing my hormones will upset some balance and give me super cancer or destroy my immune system. everything seems so fine tuned and i’m terrified of going the doctor route and getting a shitty doctor or being put on a list

everything else you wrote i have felt, am feeling, and also mulling over constantly

ACTUAL ADVICE:

only difference is i long ago abandoned orgasms that require being erect. if you want to explore your options there, get a cheap magic wand or knock-off and see if that works for you. it can give some real gender euphoria once you realize you can get off in an amazing way without an erection.

my partner is AFAB but was never really into penetration until more recently. if you enjoy that you can always try a good strap-on.
experienced transfemmes on HRT will probalbly tell you your sex drive changes more then simply “decreases”. it’s a metamorphosis and there’s always viagra!

I’m terrified by the idea of trying to hormonally transition, mostly because I have a very high sex drive and am very attached to it.

Are you in the US? If so, I think a lot of that is the spiro, rather than the E itself. Unfortunately the US doesn’t approve of other medicines for use as an anti-androgens. But you could try monotherapy as a way to avoid that. My libido has generally been a nuisance, so I specifically wanted spiro, but my doctor just asked if I wanted it or not. Not sure if high sex drive-> harder for monotherapy to work though

You could also try to see if insurance will pay for things like laser (I think some do?). I’m not sure how common it is, so I wouldn’t get your hopes up unless you are willing to move somewhere that requires coverage.

I’m gonna point out a few things quickly about hormonal transition cause I was worried about a few of the same things and found that my worries were for naught. I’m not trying to convince you another way but I also see a lot of myself here.

Dick working

My dick works very well after like 8 months of estrogen and like 4 months of being solidly in women’s levels. Yes, horny is different, but it’s still there. Estrogen mono therapy with injections is what I would recommend for this - avoid t blockers is what I would individually say. I get hard though, to maximum hardness and also t cream is an option I’ve known multiple trans tops to go on and they love it.

Re:horny - honestly was also scared of this but my god the horny is so much better now. I still get horny but it’s not like… All encompassing horny for me. Or like this thing that makes me go masturbate. I def like it better and was a bit surprised by that. Before transition I was also like really attached to my sex drive and it’s still there but it feels like this ball and chain has been removed from myself lmao

Cum

Yeah, I mean this is still way less for me, but eventually this may go away. You should weigh your options here because yeah I was kinda sad about it but I decided it was worth it. I still produce cum 8 months in.

Strong and muscular

Yeah. Me too. I love my muscles. My gender is being a muscle girl, I’ve been building these for years and years and I don’t want to lose them. I have cis woman levels and am hitting new PRs for deadlift, leg press, etc.

For upper body I have lost some strength on purpose but I’m back at it now that I look good in a dress and tbh I’ve maybe lost 20% of my strength up top. I can still bang out like 10-15 pullups and bench my bodyweight… Easily.

But honestly I mostly care about my deadlifts, I’m just trying to keep the upper body muscle for looks. I am certainly not weak as hell like many trans women with noodle arms (that’s many trans women’s genders which is cute and good too).

My abs are slowly getting covered but hey. Again it’s a calculus and there are drawbacks. But nothing’s perfect.

Ok: laser. Yes gonna be expensive and painful. I’m sorry.

For body, I have been using an IPL and the difference is day and night. At home braun silk 5 is amazing. Don’t use this for your face. I used to have to shave every other day now it’s every 2-3 weeks

For face - yeah, this sucks. You’re gonna have to go in and get laser done. It’s worth it but slow and painful. I’m sorry.

You can request that they wear an N95 mask, maybe supply one to them? IDK what the protocol is for this one

Ffs: yeah I mean I would do the hair first and see where you’re at.

Breast implants: you would be surprised how effective padded bralettes are to change your silhouette. This doesn’t help with body dysphoria though.

with regards to sex drive and producing cum, I’ve heard of women being prescribed topical T gel to be rubbed on the genitalia to preserve function, along with utilizing cialis.

You’d generally start on a low dose of E, i didn’t like what waa happening while taking blockers after a year, so i cut my dose and stopped taking blockers

its all scary though i think thats normal

You don’t have to go on hormones but I have two things to note on the drawbacks you mentioned: 1- Some women use local testosterone cream on their genitalia to preserve functionality. This would not affect feminization of the rest of your body. 2- It definitely is harder to build muscle on estrogen but not impossible. If your friends weren’t exercising, the muscle loss will be much more prominent. Strength-wise you will end up similar to a cis woman of your height with a comparable lifestyle.

I sadly don’t have recommendations about non-hormonal steps but I wish you the best on all fronts.

Someone here told me that they’ve been on feminizing hormones for a long time and their dick still works as it did pre transition. Just takes a little more time to get hard.

Why do you suppose electrolysis wasn’t effective for you? I’ve never heard of that not working

high spiro dose is the big thing that makes your dick not work. there are ways to keep functionality while being E dominant, just talk to your doctor about it and go to a doc on a local trans healthcare list