As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It’s for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
Annoying how frequently initial reactions aren’t always indicative of how someone is going to process things. But like I guess it makes sense. If a parent didn’t already suspect you were trans and generally haven’t thought about trans people, the immediate desire to be supportive of someone you love should dwarf any thoughts on some abstract concept you haven’t had any time to process.
Also, if I was a parent, I think I’d feel bad if my hypothetical child felt like they had to keep something like that a secret from me. I think any decent parent should feel that at least a little bit. But some may not realize that they’re feeling guilty and instead attribute it to other ideas they’re fed by transphobic sources.
I’m curious how much of your outward personality around your mom have really been a mask you no longer wear vs you’re basically the same person she’s known. If its the later, what does your gender matter to her? If its the former, then that’s partly on your family for not making you feel comfortable being the real you around them. TBF, given social pressures outside the household, its really easy to slip into masking even at home even if the mask isn’t expected at home.
Hopefully she gets over it soon and best of luck with the rest.
I'll gate this behind a spoiler to keep the thread shorter, cw negative stuff some abuse
In my case my mother had known there was something off about me from young as I would try to wear makeup, play with my sisters toys, try to wear my sisters clothes and such… But I’d be punished for it, that included verbal and physical abuse. I won’t go into more but that is some of the tells from me growing up and I had years of abuse between being trans and autistic.
I’d mulled over how to tell her and my family for years and I repressed and disassociated for a long time because of what I was put through growing up.
I thought this too
if I was a parent, I think I'd feel bad if my hypothetical child felt like they had to keep something like that a secret from me.I’d thought stupidly her mothering instinct would kick in. But my mother was an abuser.When I told her I was going to transition, she pulled that grieving for my death phrase. (I’ve mentioned above I lost my brother when I was a kid) so it was a shock to hear this, I had known it fairly common for a parent to say something like that or feel loss but I didn’t think it would feel the same. I felt incredibly guilty.
She pointed out my age said I am a man and a load of other transphobic shit, along with using my brothers death as a bludgeon to try to guilt me out of transitioning. She also denied that I showed any signs of being trans…
This was the ongoing end to our relationship because I’d taken years of abuse from my parents and she tried to dissuade me and invalidated me on top of that
I’m sorry for dumping that here and its super negative…
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Sorry to hear that. So many parents suck. It annoys me how many people become parents who aren’t ready to deal with children who aren’t allocishet, neurotypical, and/or able-bodied. And some aren’t even ready to deal with children in that category either. Meanwhile, LGBT couples have to jump through all sorts of hoops to prove themselves “worthy.” And even that didn’t stop them from approving my birthmom (TBF, she was mostly a deadbeat, so not particularly abuse - but she did manage to lose custody of us to a non-biological lesbian parent in Texas).
My mom has gone out of her way to make sure we know she doesn’t assume we’re heterosexual and that we can be open about that with her. Given her transphobia, I know it doesn’t necessarily mean she’d feel similarly about gender. She also tries to say that she doesn’t care about our gender presentation and has told us that she doesn’t care if we wear dresses or whatever, but like, she’s complained regularly about any sort of fem-leaning presentation changes I’ve made She avoids any fem-leaning presentation, so I think she’s partly just projecting her own dislike of those things and partly she’s worried about the prejudice of others (given the era she grew up in, I’m sure she’s experienced her fair share of homophobia). I sorta believe she wouldn’t pull the “death of my son” line because she doesn’t really seem to believe in gender to begin with IMO. But who knows? She listens to conservative talk radio and likes to random repeat talking points…
No worries. Glad that it seems like you’ve been able to move on.
Many parents do suck
and it really sucks for our comrades who would want to have kids and as you say jump through those hoops. It is an unfair world at times for sure.
From what you’ve said about your mom being against fem leaning I’d agree with your assessment, personal bias can skew out views sadly but it is understandable. I’m sorry that it makes it difficult for you though, a case of heart in the right place but clouded somewhat.
I know it’s probably difficult for you if you want to present fem, I’m genuinely sorry, she sounds like a good person at heart and I get her trying to protect you as clouded as her views are. I hope in the future things can improve for you (able to dress fem leaning) if that’s what you want.
I have some bad days but I have my wife for support. Thank you for the reply <3
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Thanks. I agree her hearts in the right place. Given her own issues with gender, I sorta give her a pass. She’s also tried to be supportive at times, but its usually obvious she’s saying things to be supportive, which sorta betrays a slight disapproval? I appreciate the effort though.
I still do some things how I want, but still feel like I should avoid certain things. I don’t live there at least.
Random funny story: One time, I was wearing thigh highs under my pants and after I took them off and left them on the floor in my room (or maybe in my shoes). Not even 30 seconds passed from when I left my room to when our little dog (who loves stinky socks) brought one of my socks out into the living room where me and my mom were. At least the dog seemed to be pleased with that clothing choice! I don’t think my mom noticed.
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She seems like a good person under it all so I’m happy for you there. Supportive is better than nothing c:
Getting out of the same space is probably the best too, at least you can present how you feel when not in that space
lol that’s really funny about the dog, I bet it was super awkward but funny too lol, they always love stinky socks funny that lol well hopefully you can get peace to wear your socks now that you have your own space and no dogs to tell on you ^^ I wish you well in your future endeavours c:
It’s extremely annoying. I thought everything was going good until I called her back a few days later and she was upset. I think she’ll eventually get over it though. I’ll be calling her again this afternoon to check in so I’ll probably update when I do.