10·
14 hours agoPhone calls literally set off my fight or flight this sucks
SterlingPooper [they/them]
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- 26 Comments
Joined 5 years ago
Cake day: July 27th, 2020
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Been scared to call my Healthcare back for like a month. I need a minor surgery (dermatology) and I am scared because I’ve never done it before and they’re gonna wanna schedule it before I’m okay with it. I’ve been avoiding their calls and I’m petrified to pick up the phone. Idk what to do
4·2 days agoWeird time.
I used to have a different account and was around in the trans community here. Over time I felt like the megathread kinda promoted this promise that you can vent and people will be there for you. You can vent, but people are equally as happy to not hear you complain. I almost think it enables you to just say the most dysphoric, self-hurtful shit imaginable, knowing even the internet leftists will just shrug and ask if you get therapy.
Do I regret ending the Wendy account? No. It was important to make what felt like a decision for me. If I’m the only one compelled to act in my best interest, then fuck you, I will. You’re more than welcome to leave a pathetic enby crying by themselves in the void. Just know that I wouldn’t, and that makes you and me different.
I’m having an awful week! But I know better than to throw myself into a space that forces toxicity from me. I learned that much and I still haven’t read theory.
6·9 months agoI have joined as Wendy, because I don’t like my username
Incorporating leggings into my wardrobe has prompted me to buy a little bag for all my pockets stuff! I’m having this moment of realization that I move more freely when I don’t have pockets full of STUFF
9·9 months agoIt’s such a joke. I legit might buy wired headphones next time I have to replace mine.
14·9 months agoDamn, like, how do you make close friends?
It feels like I’m too late in life for lifelong friends, like, they’d have to have met me before I was an adult, right?
Like, I want to be close to someone, dammit. I thought other people wanted that. I think I’m confused. I need a nap
Feeling more confident every time I go out looking for women’s clothes
My Will Wood era continues
sad
In hindsight, yeah. I was looking for myself pretty much everywhere except internally and it really sucked. But those thoughts of death kinda get replaced by the thought of coming out and really being myself.
Thank you
I’m happier to not know at the moment and be exploring. It’s freeing
Thank you
Exploring has been great. I feel euphoric in ways I’ve never felt about “guy stuff”.
It was the first time any of my friends had gotten married. It was a really fun weekend.
It set off this anxiety about wanting to find someone, wanting not to be alone. It led to me feeling super insecure, and feeling worthless. I thought I wanted to die, but in hindsight I think I was realizing that I hated being a straight man.
CW: suicidal thoughts, emotional flashbacks
This week marks five years since my roommate got married. This started a huge existential crisis for me, including suicidal thoughts and withdrawing from pretty much all my friends.
I’ve been getting panic attacks every time I go into work this week, it feels like it’s from remembering that wedding. Literally feeling detached, like I’m piloting my body. But now that I’m really questioning my gender, I feel like it’s staring me in the face that I’m just in a big holding pattern. I want to figure out how to speak up for myself.
Truthfully, I go back and forth on if I even want to. If any of them were in the same area as me I’d be eager to have conversations in person. Part of me feels like they saw me caving in and left, so why would I chase them? Part of me feels like they’d want to know what I’m going through. But didn’t they already know something was up??
It feels impossible.
dysphoria stuff
I’m sad that I lost touch with people I knew, but part of me feels like it was necessary to even reach a point to consider that I’m trans.
In school, I had a support system. I had great friends, and people that I probably kinda took for granted.
But I thought I was straight, I thought I was cis. I was in a costume, and I played the part so well that nobody can look past the mask anymore. They’re not thinking about me, they’re remembering him. It’s tough.
8·10 months agoUh, nowhere, yet.
If you mean in general, I’m not sure! I’m picking bars to try out, just so I can get comfortable vibing in public again. It’s a start, you know?
Trying to find the will to go out and make new friends. I’ve essentially been wallowing since 2020, I feel like I let down everyone as a result. Too ashamed to reach out, but trying to just rebuild my confidence.
Feelings of dysphoria really bad the last couple of days. Making myself go buy a new outfit as a treat 🍭
Grief, exhaustion, fatigue, confusion, hunger. I’m so overwhelmed I can barely think. I’m too tired to eat, too hungry to sleep.
Maybe I need to hit the bottom idk
The thought of making this phone call is genuinely starting to make me space out and feel unwell
rant
Why is health like this, a million different fucking doctors for each joint in your body and they all have different rates and none of them communicate, there’s no one person who’s like “oh well all of this is what’s wrong”, it’s up to thd weak and compromised to keep track of themselves. The fact that I have to call to set up something that doctors say I need is, upon reflection, insane. Like if it’s important, why are they waiting for me. Stop letting me avoid.
I actually kinda wish someone would force me to do this. Like, I’m too obstinent. I want to, but literally can’t.
And then I try talking to my brother but even though we have all the same shit going on, he gets all weird and distant. Like I told him I was stressed and making dinner, so he just asks what I’m making for dinner. No mention of the fact that I’m stressed. This is the only person I’ve felt comfortable opening up to and it’s like he doesn’t fucking realize how much I trusted him, or that these slights make it even harder to trust him.