[CW: Sexism, Zionism, Just Reactionary Stuff Period]
But despite that… I’d feel bad doing it. He and I seem to be on good terms, but to be real with you, that’s only out of negative peace because I’m not the most overt tankie when I talk to this guy, and this shit just disturbs me.
Ultimately, I know what you’re all gonna say, but truthfully, I think I just need the validation to push myself to do this.
So, he’s a bit younger than me, and though that still makes him a grown ass man, I feel like he says things that are so ignorant that I’ve kind of been giving him “Hanlon’s razor” kind of passes for all of this shit, but it’s too much no matter how you slice it.
He says things that are just unequivocally sexist and objectifying of women. He denies that society is patriarchal, and basically, every time he comments on a woman, he feels like he needs to bring up how “hot” he finds her. He labeled himself as an “incel” one time, and I genuinely can’t tell if the dude was joking or not.
He says being a “Hamas apologist” is antisemitic, and he one time showed me this obviously fake video of this chud going to a supposed “pro-Palestine” protest, showing AI slop of a Trump supporter and a Hamas member, and he asked them, “Which one of these two do you think would be more likely to be in support of the LGBTQ community?” and the first “protestor” interviewed in the video literally pointed at the Hamas member pic and said, “That one because he’s brown!” It couldn’t be more obviously fake, but this MF actually thought it was a real video and validated the pinkwashing shit.
So why do I talk to someone who seems like such a chud?
Well, I got in contact with him over the fact that we are both Black vegans, and this is what confuses me: he can be very unapologetic and have a “there’s no middle ground” outlook when it comes to animal liberation (which I agree with myself), but he takes the whole “enlightened centrist” route for many human rights things, viewing disagreements on Zionism, feminism, TERFism, etc. as just “different opinions” and yes, he actually identifies as a centrist.
He started trying to rizz up this vegan woman who lives near him, but she’s very clearly and explicitly more of a leftist, feminist, and a total liberationist type. He hasn’t been totally transparent with her about disagreements he has, and I told him, “You definitely should tell her, especially since it seems you’re trying to be with her long-term,” and how he responded to this just kind of demonstrated his ignorance…
He said, “Yeah, you’re right, but I find that leftists are less likely to respect the idea of dating someone with different political views than right-wingers. I’m open to dating her if she is okay with dating me knowing my views.”
And it’s just like… so ignorant how this dude denies the existence of patriarchy alongside having other chuddy beliefs, and he thinks that it can really be an “agree to disagree” scenario with someone who clearly takes those things very seriously? What the fuck?
Here I am feeling like I’m enabling this ignorance because by continuing to talk to him and remain silent on this awful shit for the sake of “negative peace,” I’ve been feeling more and more like I’m validating his awful “agree to disagree” framing, though not intentionally.
He seems to “respect” me as a trans person, but there’s this other transfem he knows who is less feminine than me, and he seems to be okay with misgendering her, but it’s not the most “overt” misgendering I guess. He avoids she/her pronouns and only calls her by they/them pronouns, even though her pronouns are not listed as they/them at all.
I do vibe with him when we talk about veganism, but every other subject seems to be absolutely just blegh.
Like I said, I’m sure I know what you’ll all say, but that validation seems to be needed because of my awful people pleasing mind.
Also, I’m thinking of reaching out to the girl he’s trying to rizz up and giving somewhat of a warning.
UPDATE: I blocked!
I feel, sadly, that it’s often the women in these men’s lives that do all the emotional labour and walk them through through all their bad opinions. I knew a few men like this, and it’s always their wives, partners, sisters, or mum that are gently nudging them away from their terrible reactionary ideas. Some of these same men I’ll debate and criticise, spending literal hours untangling their brainworms, but I wouldn’t go anywhere without the women in their lives who are doing 99% of the work.
Obviously this is totally unfair and shit. Men need to step up and do more of this labour. Also it would be nice if men read more theory, so as to not be such shitty comrades and make their loved ones work so damn much on them.
I do vibe with him when we talk about veganism, but every other subject seems to be absolutely just blegh.
This is definitely a thing. I have this situation with lots of left acquaintances. Great on worker stuff, silly about veganism. Amazing on Palestine, bad on class consciousness.
Also, I’m thinking of reaching out to the girl he’s trying to rizz up and giving somewhat of a warning.
I’m OK with this. Potentially she could be deep in a relationship before she discovers his brainworms.
walk them through through all their bad opinions
Me in my early 20s. While I’m grateful to the people that helped me see where I was being shitty, it was never their responsibility.
Samsies, tbh. One of those people who spent 20+ hours with me in my teens is nice mildly famous, with a lovely family. And frankly, I feel like she deserves it.
If you’re already at a point where you feel like you need to block them, it might be good practice for you to confront them first. Worst case scenario is that you block them anyway, but you might get a valuable learning experience that will help you stop people pleasing in the future
Ultimately, I know what you’re all gonna say
I dislike this guy. A lot. I don’t think he’s being genuine with you at all, tho i can’t point to anything you’ve said specifically to give me that feel.
i wanna say “run” even, don’t walk. Cuz i don’t get him, the pieces don’t jibe. I’m unnerved.
For his crush or w/e i dunno if you have to reach out to her, sounds like she’ll smell his bullshit on her own. lickety split she’ll curb his ass without your needing to involve yourself. Dudes got no chance.
i don’t see anything wrong with giving her a heads up, i guess… Just feeling like it’s just not needed especially vs possible bad outcomes for you. If there’s none? Ok you know best there.
here’s your validation btw. Fuck that guy sideways. He doesn’t seem respect anything you are. Ghost Town. There’s gotta be cool militant vegans you can plan world dom with that you don’t have to spend hours reconciling their problems
Honestly, if you’ve been talking to them more than a few days/weeks, I’d give them the common dignity of confrontation as opposed to blocking.
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You could point them in the right direction; if they are good on veganism maybe they aren’t hopeless?
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Blocking them opens you up to weird, unexpected confrontation later (assuming you frequent some similar spaces) - I think it’s better for you to keep things on your terms.
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You get the answers you seek.
I also echo the comment saying that tipping a person off about this person is OK to do, just be honest/accurate rather than fear-monger.
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frustrating to imagine someone who can be right on the issue of animal liberation but so wrong on so many other things. See if you can hit that block button multiple times, IMO, but I feel your pain as I have many people I dont talk about important stuff with just because I’m scared of what I’d find.
I had a dude in my friend group who seemed like a very promising & radicalizable radlib at first. We disagreed with things for a few years but I always felt like I was just about to make a breakthrough.
Eventually, it clicked that I wasn’t actually making any progress. This guy just lived for confrontation. He’d always play along just enough to keep the “discussion” going. Any time I wasn’t around, he’d spout completely reactionary bullshit. Every time I met one of his friends, they were right wingers. I burnt years of effort on a hopeless cause, and all I got to show for it was a big blow-up at the end when I finally snapped, and a thoroughly fractured friend group since the libs were okay with the “Just Asking Questions” “devil’s advocate” bullshit since he was generally friendly and has a nice partner.
If this dude is hiding his beliefs, he’s being manipulative. He knows he has unacceptable views, he’s sticking to them, and he’s not actually trying to improve or self-crit. You’re right, this is a negative peace.
Update: I went ahead and did the blocking.
I did it straight-up ghosting style; I didn’t want to waste my energy trying to confront him, especially since this guy knows some other reactionary vegans and I don’t want him to do like a whole drama thing by telling them, especially since I’m a Black trans communist vegan.
Good luck, comrade
