- cross-posted to:
- ausomememes@lemmy.dbzer0.com
- cross-posted to:
- ausomememes@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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observe and repeat
But they “just wanna tell” you…
NTs when you say you wish social rules were either explained more explicitly or else your worth as a human being wasn’t tied to correctly following them:
Sorry that’s literally impossible. Also its not that bad, you just need to try harder. I have no idea why so many of you kill yourselves.
NTs after a few months of living in another country where the rules are different:
Depression, panic attacks, sometimes even full on mental breakdowns.
Ironically, I’m better than my peers at getting along in other countries… Because I’m used to looking for the unwritten rules.
I’ve had to explain other peoples’ behaviors to my peers at work because they havent had to study how to act like I have. Most people just never talk about this stuff.
That just made me realise…
…no they don’tNeurovanilla’s haven’t the faintest clue most of the time
We do
And that might just be why so many of us get confused. We notice when we don’t know. Most neurovanilla’s just seem to think they know (and strongly believe so :p)
Yet few can actually explain what they’re doing or seeing. So it’s probably a spectrum of how insightful people can be. Neurodivergent or not
So, about half the inane banter that you hear NTs doing, where you’re like, “why are they talking about such stupid crap?” is actually an exchange and reinforcement of cultural norms. If you don’t participate in “small talk”, then you are missing the very subtle cultural indoctrination.
I mean … small talk is often like an initial authorization step or health check. You ping the server “are you up?” before sending your large payload. If the server is down or under too heavy load to handle your request, you probably want to know sooner than later.
I think your mom actually received my large payload last night.
Yep, even when they don’t like 'm. I’ve learned a lot of them don’t dare to diverge from those norms regardless. It appears to be a mixture of fear and lack of understanding that locks them into certain behaviours.
Gotta have some bravery to set standards for yourself
To be fair, being different is historically dangerous
True true, and it still is to an extent. Just not as lethal
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NTs following the rules, lmao.
I’m too strict 👀“you just always have to be right, don’t you?”
I just took what you said seriously. When do I take it at face value and when do I try to invent a new meaning for what you said?
Yesterday I explained to my 6 year old that communication is not just hearing the words people said and acting like that’s all they meant. I explained that when he speaks, I try to think about what made him say that and what he might have meant, and when people make this extra little effort to understand it’s like they’re giving you a gift of understanding. I was also able to help him recognize that when people use your words against you, it feels bad.
I’m prepared to have to repeat this several more times as per usual, but he did understand and agree. Taking people’s words at face value without thinking about the person isn’t good communication. Maybe it’s harder for you, or maybe you just stopped caring because enough NTs didn’t give you the gift of understanding. I’m just here to say that words at face value isn’t the be-all of connecting with others.
Isn’t it bad communication to not be straightforward and expect people to guess your meaning? Or to assume things of others that they didn’t say?
Not criticizing or anything just interesting to see a different perspective. I have been constantly tripped up by this throughout my life, and nobody ever told me what you told that child before.
I always say what I mean, and it can be frustrating to have people react in seemingly random ways because they inferred a hidden meaning that wasn’t there.
Probably not related to nt, but “ask vs guess culture” was a pretty wild thing to read. Some people just don’t want to be direct.
Someone I knew, her whole family was very guess culture. She couldn’t just ask her parents to babysit. She had to be like "oh it’s really hard to schedule everything, and I have to go out later for this thing " and hope her parents would volunteer to babysit.
If she just asked, they’d possibly get upset. Or they’d say yes when they really weren’t available, because saying “no” was somehow unbearably rude.
It’s a whole mess and I, so far as I know a neurotypical person, hate it.
Approach it as an epistemological quandary, for a moment. Imagine if everyone had the same exact language in their heads, with an exact copy of all the same words.
Do all those same words share the same subtle shadings of connotation, and does everyone have the same level of skill in putting their thoughts into words? Will each person be equally willing to do the self-reflection necessary to be honest with themselves, and by extension one another?
The answer is plain to me; each person’s capability to express themselves can differ immensely, and there are always going to be significant incongruities in the language we share even under ideal conditions.
The result is that communication must be a faithful effort among minds to bridge that epistemological rift, to see beyond and within the mere words, relying on intimate knowledge of one another, in order to truly form those golden shared understandings that can make life feel a little less lonely.
To be understood is truly a gift, and we get as good as we give.
That is an interesting concept to consider. I knew words were just symbolic, taken to have meaning that isn’t inherently there. With enough training the associations are made. It makes sense that the words themselves would have different meanings for each person.
Thanks for pointing that out. So how would you suggest someone who has autism might try to infer meaning behind the words?
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Autism is a complex subject so I can’t speak to your specific difficulties. If you rely more on your bond with someone, your shared experiences and what you know of their desires and fears, as well as any difficulties they may have - all of this forms a body of context through which the words they say must be filtered.
Often enough the primary meaning of anything is plain, but people are not so ordinary as to only mean one thing when they speak. Each of us is a four-dimensional being of divine chaos at the infinite centre of creation, the way I see it (without pretending this is a sane view). A more grounded way to put it might be that everything we do and say resonates with the uniqueness of all our experiences and circumstances, and there are always layerings to consider. Only by knowing a person more deeply can we learn to “read between the lines” when they speak, but to begin with it should suffice to listen charitably, beginning at a place from trust and positive regard.
I’m writing under the influence of a book I’m currently reading, so please forgive me. I am not usually so florid. But I am speaking in earnest, I hope that shines through.
My reaction to this is now, “no, I want everyone to be right.”
As someone who was begging to read the rules to probably the most un-written game of them all, this book was very helpful.
