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Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
That thread is a mess, so I’m not surprised it has made you feel like this. It’s made me think quite a lot as well. The way I see it, you shouldn’t expect people to assume your pronouns based on appearance, because then some people will be forever mis-gendered by everyone (not just until that time when they “fully transition”, because their preferred appearance will never mach societal gender expectations).
If someone is in a big meeting or space with lots of strangers, they/them should be used as a last resort to refer to someone you don’t know. Preferably that person would just try to use non-gendered language, or your name i stead of pronouns, but if they do it to everyone and consistently, then I don’t see a problem with it. If a person they/thems a trans-looking person, but just assumes he/she pronouns for a cis-looking person, they’re doing it wrong. If after getting to know you they don’t switch to your preferred pronouns and keep misgendering you with they/them pronouns, they’re obviously also doing it wrong.
At the same time, I don’t see such a problem with just straightforwardly asking for pronouns, or doing introduction pronoun circles. I think lot’s of cis people have a stick up their butt, in a way where they feel like they should already know everything and are then extremely awkward about bringing it up, instead of understanding that it’s actually exactly about accepting that you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s head until that person tells you in their own words.
I’ve also had to endure cis people complaining (right in front of me mind you, and without asking my opinion) about how hard it is to do pronoun circles. Personally I don’t think any cis person is allowed to have an opinion on intros w/ pronouns or pronouns circles. Any participation in these introductions on behalf of cis people is 100% an expression of solidarity and they should refer any decision making related to such matters to the queer people in the space. Personally I think all cis people should say their name and pronouns when introducing themselves even to other cis people to normalise the fuck out of that shit and make it super easy for the rest of us, but maybe that’s just me.
Let me know if any of that sounds off. I’m glad you’re feeling better, naps are super based. Down with cis
If it’s an explicitly queer event, maybe. But I don’t want people asking me pronouns at work, for example. Lots of pretty blatant homophobia and transphobia around here, so I rather people just incorrectly assume I’m a guy for now so it doesn’t affect my ability to earn money.
Imo, offering your own during an introduction is enough to provide an implicit offer for someone else to share without pressuring them to do so. Doing so should be more normalized.
Anyways, I’ve never seen a pronoun circle as far as I remember and I’ve only essentially been asked my pronouns once (which was at work and I just ignored the question) except like my brother asked I came out.
I know
I just want people to look at me and think “damn that’s a girl.”, yaknow? Even if I don’t pass (realistically no way I’ll ever fully pass in queer spaces), just like, know what I’m going for. Honestly I think its because of that not passing that makes me upset.
The everyone and consistently is a big thing for me. I’m surprised you’ve heard cis people complaining about it, I feel like I see trans people complaining about them more. That might be skewed by where I’m hanging out online though.
No it all sounds very reasonable, and I agree. I got very worked up.
I think it’s worth interrogating this feeling. I’m someone who will probably never “pass”, but I’ve found immense solidarity with (especially racialised) cis women who will also never be looked at and perceived that way, since to some extent you have to adhere to white beauty standards to be seen as “that girl” who is worth loving and protecting on-sight. Looking into the connection between fatphobia and racism helped me unpack this a lot.
Of course I could just be interpreting your feelings through the lens of my own experience, so take it as you will.
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