I feel this. I’m not socially awkward, can speak in front of a crowd just fine, but my brain just can’t figure out what “flirting” actually is. I’m aware it’s a form of conversation different from normal talking that expresses attraction, but as for how it’s different, how to do it etc.
I’m in the dark and no friend of mine has been able to give a clear answer.
Flirting is a natural first step in human reproductive strategy. It is composed of several back and forth fitness tests that act as a filter for quality partners.
I know it doesn’t seem like this but it really is.
First you need to be accurately aware of what your best physical features are, yes I know it sounds petty but humans first check of ‘hey do I want to bang them?’ is always a physical once-over.
If you have full lips, smile and talk in animate ways, giving them a chance to focus on your face.
If you have gorgeous hair, it helps to touch or play with it a little, show off your silky locks.
If you have nice forearms (yes some people are way into that) then wear short sleeved shirts and occasionally touch (or better yet, get them to touch) your arm, drawing their attention to it.
Now for the talking:
Ignore cheesy pickup lines unless everyone is already drunk and/or friendly, you want to be sincerely interested in hearing about their life. This is probably your most potent flirt: legit being interested in them as a person.
It’s sad that this has to come after physical check IRL but you can sometimes bypass that online.
Don’t be eager to share aggrandizing anecdotes about yourself, this is almost always a turn off. On the other hand, if you can get a wingman/woman to occasionally drop a few tasteful mentions of cool things you’ve done, that can work really well.
Compliment them on things that they have put effort into, and contrary to popular belief that doesn’t always mean her appearance. Naturally hot girls will have been told on the daily since toddlerhood that they are pretty so they are tired of it but instead may respond well to compliments on her choice of dress, as this something they choose and likely have spent a good part of their life learning how to maximize the effects of their outfits. This works ESPECIALLY on 9s and 10s but you need to be up on fashion for it to impact the best.
Naturally hot guys on the other hand aren’t so guaranteed, some of them have never been made to feel hot so if this is your angle then you can try complimenting their looks and see where it goes, but again the real hook is complimenting something they obviously put effort into.
Humor: If you have a good sense of humor, it works like the top mentioned ‘physical bests’ because humor, I joke you not, is a great reproductive fitness test as it indicates a clever mind. If someone is laughing sincerely with you in a flirty situation, there is a good chance they want to bang your stuffing out.
People who laugh easily and deeply, over things that others also fund funny, come off as relaxed and interesting.
Not all humor works of course, but this is part of the fitness tests. If someone you are on a date with starts cracking cruel or bigoted jokes, you know where their mind is. Also: don’t do these things yourself, but that goes without saying.
Next, if you are getting positive signs: Smiles while sideways glancing, lip displays (like how women look in lipstick ads), ‘pigeon toe-ing’ (google it, it’s hard to explain, also it’s mostly a woman’s sign. Men’s version of pigeon toe is them leaning forward in the chair, interested) then it is time to take a big risk: Lightly touching their arm or shoulder. Also keep in mind YOU should be giving off these kind of things too, sideways glances at their hair or outfit (avoid constant boobvision, they know you’re staring), cute little fluff statements that almost but not quite approach being cheesy pickup lines
This is the real test, you will see how your touch causes them to react. If there is EVEN the SLIGHTEST bit of coldness then back down and go back to conversation. You can almost feel in the texture of their skin whether or not they want you to touch them. If you live with a cat or a dog you may be familiar how they can make their skin kind of rough in the places they want you to scritch, but kind of slip out from under your hand when they don’t, that’s the same with humans just a bit harder to notice.
If the genuine interest, flirty looks, and positive touch response are all there, congrats you have successfully flirted!
It’s times like these that I’m glad I am autistic. You neurotypicals really over-complicate things and make life difficult for yourselves.
How to flirt as an autistic person: make a friend over shared interests, spend time together sharing that interest, realize they’re enjoyable to be around, communicate clearly “I enjoy spending time with you, let’s do it more often”, slowly morph into a relationship out of convenience. Done.
I cannot understand NT mind-games and obsessive preening. Don’t you get frustrated with it? And to think - someone who puts that much effort into judging you upfront is likely to keep judging things about you all your life, with no end to playing games… Stressful, no thank you.
If humanity can make it another 100k years I think the spectrum and NT people will diverge to the point of being separate species, and if anything about hominid history tells me, one branch will club the other to death at some point.
I was thinking what a functioning society of people all possessing Down’s Syndrome would look like if human history had taken a strange turn at the bottleneck, or the same circumstance for conditions like Tourette’s.
Personally I think that neurodivergent people may be evolutionary solutions to very specific survival hurdles, and that we have not been facing these hurdles long enough for natural selection to smooth out the side effects. It’s all very confusing at the individual level in a species specialization event as none of us will live long enough to see even the glimmerings of whatever shift in human existence that our daily struggles will initiate.
I think nothing has ever been enough of a hindrance to be selected out evolutionarily which is why non-neurotypical people exist. Just my head theory though
I feel that’s one-sided and doesn’t take into account evolutionary benefits from being non-nt. The thing is, the last 6k years of human history is such a tiny blip in our time as humans that it’s largely a mistake to take survival evidence of such a short span and apply genetic drift to it.
And considering the survival benefits of technology are exponential, I would see having focus driven non-nt people in your populace would result in great and frequent survival benefits.
I know, I’m on the spectrum too. This data is really the results of years of studying and a minor in psych to fit in.
And it isn’t NTs making things difficult, it’s our biological drives. We have them too, just we find fitness tests exhausting and unnecessary and are far more motivated by good conversation than full lips or wide limbal rings.
It’s a sad truth that most people don’t follow the ‘getting slowly to know each other’, and it is true that this kind of method works well with some, not just autists, but the majority of people are swimming in a sea of ten thousand little unnoticed fitness checks. Again this usually isn’t conscious, it’s not like NTs have a list of things they consciously tick off.
It’s more of an aggregate result, and is of course intensely subjective.
Yes it is exhausting to keep up with it, but once you understand the biological foundation, you start to feel a bit more sympathetic to NTs that they are a lot more beholden to these biological drives than we are.
Let me use the butterfly metaphor:
So butterflies have a very limited time to reproduce, and since they only get one stab at it, it is very much in the best interest to quickly find the best possible mate.
This is where mating dances come in. Both butterflies want the best possible mate, and for those species that usually means someone who is a really good flyer. Flying takes a lot of energy and is a great indicator of general health. I’m sure coloration comes in as well but that’s not so much the focus here.
They keep chasing and fleeing each other to see how good and fast a flyer the other is. In my mind they are getting more and more turned on by how good their partner can dodge and chase until if both butterflies are satisfied then they share genes and go off to lay eggs before they die. It may seem exhausting but it serves a very important purpose of making sure your kids have the best chance at life. It’s also likely not conscious, just a triggered series of behaviors.
My hypothesis for spectrum existers is that biologically we ‘know’ that the best possible survival tactic is being smart, and that this rates higher than any amount of full hips, large lips, limbal rings and physique. So in-depth conversation on complicated topics are major turn ons for us.
It’s generally when someone is hinting at personal interest beyond the immediate conversation, or otherwise an overt complement where they might not normally show up. Complements are not flirting in their own right, but they can show up readily if someone is either genuinely interested or romantically interested. Hopefully, it won’t be hard to parse between actual direct interest in a topic and, “hey I just want more attention from you and this topic is my in.”.
I feel this. I’m not socially awkward, can speak in front of a crowd just fine, but my brain just can’t figure out what “flirting” actually is. I’m aware it’s a form of conversation different from normal talking that expresses attraction, but as for how it’s different, how to do it etc.
I’m in the dark and no friend of mine has been able to give a clear answer.
Flirting is a natural first step in human reproductive strategy. It is composed of several back and forth fitness tests that act as a filter for quality partners.
I know it doesn’t seem like this but it really is.
First you need to be accurately aware of what your best physical features are, yes I know it sounds petty but humans first check of ‘hey do I want to bang them?’ is always a physical once-over.
If you have full lips, smile and talk in animate ways, giving them a chance to focus on your face.
If you have gorgeous hair, it helps to touch or play with it a little, show off your silky locks.
If you have nice forearms (yes some people are way into that) then wear short sleeved shirts and occasionally touch (or better yet, get them to touch) your arm, drawing their attention to it.
Now for the talking:
Ignore cheesy pickup lines unless everyone is already drunk and/or friendly, you want to be sincerely interested in hearing about their life. This is probably your most potent flirt: legit being interested in them as a person.
It’s sad that this has to come after physical check IRL but you can sometimes bypass that online.
Don’t be eager to share aggrandizing anecdotes about yourself, this is almost always a turn off. On the other hand, if you can get a wingman/woman to occasionally drop a few tasteful mentions of cool things you’ve done, that can work really well.
Compliment them on things that they have put effort into, and contrary to popular belief that doesn’t always mean her appearance. Naturally hot girls will have been told on the daily since toddlerhood that they are pretty so they are tired of it but instead may respond well to compliments on her choice of dress, as this something they choose and likely have spent a good part of their life learning how to maximize the effects of their outfits. This works ESPECIALLY on 9s and 10s but you need to be up on fashion for it to impact the best.
Naturally hot guys on the other hand aren’t so guaranteed, some of them have never been made to feel hot so if this is your angle then you can try complimenting their looks and see where it goes, but again the real hook is complimenting something they obviously put effort into.
Humor: If you have a good sense of humor, it works like the top mentioned ‘physical bests’ because humor, I joke you not, is a great reproductive fitness test as it indicates a clever mind. If someone is laughing sincerely with you in a flirty situation, there is a good chance they want to bang your stuffing out.
People who laugh easily and deeply, over things that others also fund funny, come off as relaxed and interesting.
Not all humor works of course, but this is part of the fitness tests. If someone you are on a date with starts cracking cruel or bigoted jokes, you know where their mind is. Also: don’t do these things yourself, but that goes without saying.
Next, if you are getting positive signs: Smiles while sideways glancing, lip displays (like how women look in lipstick ads), ‘pigeon toe-ing’ (google it, it’s hard to explain, also it’s mostly a woman’s sign. Men’s version of pigeon toe is them leaning forward in the chair, interested) then it is time to take a big risk: Lightly touching their arm or shoulder. Also keep in mind YOU should be giving off these kind of things too, sideways glances at their hair or outfit (avoid constant boobvision, they know you’re staring), cute little fluff statements that almost but not quite approach being cheesy pickup lines
This is the real test, you will see how your touch causes them to react. If there is EVEN the SLIGHTEST bit of coldness then back down and go back to conversation. You can almost feel in the texture of their skin whether or not they want you to touch them. If you live with a cat or a dog you may be familiar how they can make their skin kind of rough in the places they want you to scritch, but kind of slip out from under your hand when they don’t, that’s the same with humans just a bit harder to notice.
If the genuine interest, flirty looks, and positive touch response are all there, congrats you have successfully flirted!
It’s times like these that I’m glad I am autistic. You neurotypicals really over-complicate things and make life difficult for yourselves.
How to flirt as an autistic person: make a friend over shared interests, spend time together sharing that interest, realize they’re enjoyable to be around, communicate clearly “I enjoy spending time with you, let’s do it more often”, slowly morph into a relationship out of convenience. Done.
I cannot understand NT mind-games and obsessive preening. Don’t you get frustrated with it? And to think - someone who puts that much effort into judging you upfront is likely to keep judging things about you all your life, with no end to playing games… Stressful, no thank you.
neurotypical people do this too lol. everyone is a bit different. although I’m not neurotypical so I guess take that with a grain of salt
If humanity can make it another 100k years I think the spectrum and NT people will diverge to the point of being separate species, and if anything about hominid history tells me, one branch will club the other to death at some point.
I was thinking what a functioning society of people all possessing Down’s Syndrome would look like if human history had taken a strange turn at the bottleneck, or the same circumstance for conditions like Tourette’s.
Personally I think that neurodivergent people may be evolutionary solutions to very specific survival hurdles, and that we have not been facing these hurdles long enough for natural selection to smooth out the side effects. It’s all very confusing at the individual level in a species specialization event as none of us will live long enough to see even the glimmerings of whatever shift in human existence that our daily struggles will initiate.
I think nothing has ever been enough of a hindrance to be selected out evolutionarily which is why non-neurotypical people exist. Just my head theory though
I feel that’s one-sided and doesn’t take into account evolutionary benefits from being non-nt. The thing is, the last 6k years of human history is such a tiny blip in our time as humans that it’s largely a mistake to take survival evidence of such a short span and apply genetic drift to it.
And considering the survival benefits of technology are exponential, I would see having focus driven non-nt people in your populace would result in great and frequent survival benefits.
I know, I’m on the spectrum too. This data is really the results of years of studying and a minor in psych to fit in.
And it isn’t NTs making things difficult, it’s our biological drives. We have them too, just we find fitness tests exhausting and unnecessary and are far more motivated by good conversation than full lips or wide limbal rings.
It’s a sad truth that most people don’t follow the ‘getting slowly to know each other’, and it is true that this kind of method works well with some, not just autists, but the majority of people are swimming in a sea of ten thousand little unnoticed fitness checks. Again this usually isn’t conscious, it’s not like NTs have a list of things they consciously tick off.
It’s more of an aggregate result, and is of course intensely subjective.
Yes it is exhausting to keep up with it, but once you understand the biological foundation, you start to feel a bit more sympathetic to NTs that they are a lot more beholden to these biological drives than we are.
Let me use the butterfly metaphor:
So butterflies have a very limited time to reproduce, and since they only get one stab at it, it is very much in the best interest to quickly find the best possible mate.
This is where mating dances come in. Both butterflies want the best possible mate, and for those species that usually means someone who is a really good flyer. Flying takes a lot of energy and is a great indicator of general health. I’m sure coloration comes in as well but that’s not so much the focus here.
They keep chasing and fleeing each other to see how good and fast a flyer the other is. In my mind they are getting more and more turned on by how good their partner can dodge and chase until if both butterflies are satisfied then they share genes and go off to lay eggs before they die. It may seem exhausting but it serves a very important purpose of making sure your kids have the best chance at life. It’s also likely not conscious, just a triggered series of behaviors.
My hypothesis for spectrum existers is that biologically we ‘know’ that the best possible survival tactic is being smart, and that this rates higher than any amount of full hips, large lips, limbal rings and physique. So in-depth conversation on complicated topics are major turn ons for us.
It’s generally when someone is hinting at personal interest beyond the immediate conversation, or otherwise an overt complement where they might not normally show up. Complements are not flirting in their own right, but they can show up readily if someone is either genuinely interested or romantically interested. Hopefully, it won’t be hard to parse between actual direct interest in a topic and, “hey I just want more attention from you and this topic is my in.”.