TLDR: I’m an older gaybro (48) who was married a long time and has no friggin’ clue how to date anymore because the times have changed. I’m looking for advice on how to meet other gaybros in a smallish town for actual dates, not just random sex encounters. Anybody with strategies that have worked or have been fun, please chime in!
I was married for fourteen years and, unfortunately, my husband died a couple of years ago. I’m (and have been) ready to start meeting men again but I was out of the loop of what single life was about so long things have really changed! I tried the Grindr thing. Not fun. Not to mention the fact that so many dudes on there are married or in the closet because I live in a very small, quasi-conservative town. Nobody on there or other apps actually wants a date. They just want anonymous sex, which I think is silly (correct me if I’m wrong) because you don’t have to waste your time scrolling through an app for casual, anonymous encounters. Go to the baths or something. Way faster and more efficient, if you ask me!
So, yeah, I get the fact that I’m 48 and I’m not exactly what a lot of other gaybros are looking for. However, I just want to meet other gay men, maybe have a coffee or a meal together, see if there’s a connection before I decide I want the sex. I mean, really, screwing around with random guys from an app is just mediocre sex for me. Then again, I’m old enough and experienced enough to know what really good sex is with someone special. Anything on line I’ve tried, I’ve put “looking for friends / relationship” in my profile and nobody asks me out. They just ask me if I have “my own place” so we can do the nasty.
Oh yeah, that’s the other thing. I really hate having strangers in my house. I’ve tried it. Not my thing. It drives me nuts. You just don’t know who these guys really are. Maybe hide all the sharp objects quickly before they show up! LOL.
I’ve been to the local gay bar. That place is sad and silly for meeting people. Lots of fun, though, but nobody there seems to be looking for a connection (or even a hookup!). The only conversations I’ve had there have been with men who consider themselves straight and just want a quick screw with another straight guy. Again, it’s a small town, lots of closet cases and people who don’t know what they are - not my idea of a fun time for dating. The gay bar these days seems to be full of bros scrolling their Grindr apps on their phones instead of interacting with others.
My question to gaybros living in small towns where there isn’t a lot going on: What do you do to meet men for actual dating and not hooking up quickly with a rando to forget about him in 30 minutes? Is this even possible anymore? I do all the other things you’re supposed to do, like taking classes, going to the gym, blah blah blah. The thing is, the bros at these activities and places aren’t gay and there isn’t a whole lot of gay group activities to do around here. It’s just not a gay paradise, know what I mean? However, I’ve been single in small towns before in a previous time (even in a previous millennium!) and there were gay bros that wanted to actually have a nice date (coffee, cocktail, dinner, lunch) and chit chat first before getting all naked.
I’m beginning to think that the reality for me is to live the rest of my life alone and isolated with an occasional mediocre sex encounter that will always leave me dissatisfied, bored, and nervous because I’m always the one with “the place” if you know what I mean!
If you read this far down, thanks for taking the time. I’ve tried to be specific and detailed about what I’m experiencing so I can maybe get some “hot takes” from others edit downvoted 4 times. Because gay men are mostly bitches and hate old people
Have you checked out the dating app Hinge?
I don’t know how well it would do for a small town setting but it was infinitely better for dating than the other apps in the city I live in.
Yeah, I tried it. Nobody around here heard of it. Zero people in my area. Welcome to Spain. Honestly, though, these apps are just the new gay.com. Before these days, we had gay.com to hook up and date. Back then, you could actually snag a nice date. I did. Here in this town, it’s really weird. The guys looking for sex for free use Grindr. All the escorts use Scruff. Not much else. LMAO. It’s looking dismal, ain’t it? Thanks so much for your suggestion, though. I’ve used all the apps. I really want to connect, you know? I can get laid all day long and all year long on Grindr or any other app. I am quite successful at getting laid with randos. Do I want to? Not so much. I want to be swept off my feet, have a nice time talking and getting to know my interlocutor, feeling seduced and seducing. That’s the fun. You can’t get that on an app.
Hey! I just came back to tell you that I found an app called Boo. I’ve been using it for like 2 hours and I’m actually talking to people. It might be your style. It’s very slow dating. I’ve chatted with two guys and we’re getting to know each other. The good: it matches you by personality and you take a personality quiz. The bad: you have to pay, so if you can’t spare 8 bucks it’s not your thing. The OK: they’re having a 50% off sale so I took the three months for 8 bucks. The annoying: It tries to be like instagram so people post things in feeds. But hey, it’s the type of thing I wanted to try out. Maybe you’ll like it, too.
Small town is going to make it more difficult. Is there a metropolis near you that you can drive to from time to time?
Check out the app “Meetup” for gay groups nearby that share your interests. There are gay book clubs, hiking groups, and more. And even if you join a non-gay group, it’s a good way to expand your social circle where you might meet other gay guys through friends of friends.
I never heard of this app! I’m signing up now. Thank you so much, bro. A gay book club is right up my alley. This sounds great!
Maybe it’d be worth it to try a different dating app and increase the radius? If there’s nothing for you that’s close by, maybe it’s worth a bit of a drive/ride, go to the next town or something.
This is a great idea and one I’ve worked out a budget for. I’m going to give myself one night a month to go out in Madrid. I don’t drive but I know how to use a high speed train! It’ll be expensive but now that I spent quite a few months actually putting myself out there it makes a lot of sense to treat myself once a month to this type of thing. The best part is that the Madrid night life is my favorite scene and always has been, so I’ll be having lots of fun! Thanks for the suggestion, bro.