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funny@lemmus.org to Lemmy Shitpost@lemmy.world · 1 year ago

Milking machine

NSFW

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Milking machine

NSFW

i.imgflip.com

funny@lemmus.org to Lemmy Shitpost@lemmy.world · 1 year ago
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  • Imgonnatrythis@sh.itjust.works
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    1 year ago

    Oh man, I have this problem to a high degree. Almost anywhere outside the home I’m embarrassed to masturbate. I feel this way at the grocery, the laundromat, even dentists office. Hospitals are intimidating, so it’s a great place to start, but there are lots of places we should be putting these. Hopefully they come out with a portable version to make this something that we don’t need to be embarrassed about anywhere really.

    • hemko@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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      1 year ago

      Would be nice to see these in supermarkets and malls, maybe in restaurants so you could pay part of the bill in cum

      • Imgonnatrythis@sh.itjust.works
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        1 year ago

        Well, it’s more likely to catch on than real world applications of crypto at least.

        • hemko@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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          1 year ago

          Tbf crypto currencies were a good idea that got fucked up, this is fucked already

          • MaoZedongers
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            1 year ago

            good idea for what?

    • lseif@sopuli.xyz
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      1 year ago

      im sorry to say but its just a cope. these machines will never replace the experience of cranking one out in a public restroom

  • Codex@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Too embarrassed to crank one at the hospital, but not too embarrassed to have a machine suck you off while you stand at the row of machines with all the other donors. Urinal etiquette does apply, btw! Don’t be That Guy who goes straight for the middle BJ Bot!

    • londos@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      If they configure them face to face, they could probably build one machine that jerks off two donors at the same time, on the upstroke and downstroke.

      • APassenger@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        We’d have to account for their height, wouldn’t we?

        • valkyre09@lemmy.world
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          1 year ago

          Height’s irrelevant. You need to measure the dick to floor ratio.

        • SnipingNinja@slrpnk.net
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          1 year ago

          Well, it’s just a compression algorithm, we can apply that

        • elfin8er@lemmy.world
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          1 year ago

          Just put the shorter one on a stool.

      • MaoZedongers
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        1 year ago

        Mechanical docking machine

    • huquad@lemmy.ml
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      1 year ago

      What’s the matter? The machine will cover your junk. Plus you can high five your buds after you finish together.

    • eric@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      I’d hope they’d at least be in stalls so that I can only see the feet of the dudes getting sucked off on either side of me.

    • hemko@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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      1 year ago

      We’ll you can hold hands with buddy on next machine. Helps to make itess stressful

  • Red_October@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    That’s disgusting. Where would you even buy a horrible machine like that, and how much would that terrible thing cost with shipping?

    • SmoothIsFast@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      Search “banana cleaner” on Amazon

  • asbestos@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    I’m sorry Dave, I can’t let you not cum

  • cooopsspace@infosec.pub
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    1 year ago

    Ransomware: pay 5BTC or I’ll bite your dick off

  • SatansMaggotyCumFart@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    My ex used to help everyone out like this too.

    • mariusafa@lemmy.sdf.org
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      1 year ago

      How kind of her

  • mistrgamin@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    • FeetinMashedPotatoes@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      When you nut but the milking machine keeps milking

  • Lober@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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    1 year ago

    Keeping these things sanitary must be a nightmare

  • HeyJoe@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Is there a version that talks back to you? “Give me your sperm baby”.

    • EnderMB@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      Hopefully it has customisable options - different voices, a setting to throw insults at you while it extracts the baby batter, and a FF victory jingle once you’ve nutted.

    • Mek@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      deleted by creator

  • __ghost__@lemmy.ml
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    1 year ago

    A team of people had to design this

    • Codex@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      Once installed, a new team of people would have to maintain it. Mechanics with biotech engineering degrees. Cleaning technicians with advanced degrees in medicine, robotics, and hygiene. Eventually an aftermarket for used jizzbots would form, resulting in cum-puter resellers and replacement part manufacturers. Unlicensed spunkdroid hotrodders overclocking their barely legal Frankenstein fuck factories for orgasms previously inconceivable to the human mind. Soon we’ll all be slaves to the perpetual pussy motion machine, our minds melting into one… unnnnnngggggg… wow, that was a lot to type one-handed, where am I, what’s happening? (jk but this stupid gag really got away from me!)

      • BluJay320@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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        1 year ago

        New Lemmypasta?

    • deranger@sh.itjust.works
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      1 year ago

      Round after round of tests and revisions, too. Who tested the alpha version? What were the issues? I’d love to see those notes.

  • 🇰 🌀 🇱 🇦 🇳 🇦 🇰 🇮 🏆@yiffit.net
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    1 year ago

    What if I need prostate stimulation?

    • AlfredEinstein@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      HAL 9000: “Best I can do is slap your testicles, Dave.”

    • hemko@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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      1 year ago

      Ask buddy to help

    • MaoZedongers
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      1 year ago

      Then just cum into the jar during a prostate exam like everyone else, unless you’re too good for that 🙄

  • SirBucksworth@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Where can i get one? For research purposes of course…

    • Notyou@sopuli.xyz
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      1 year ago

      Just Google autoblow. You might have to add a stool or something.

      • RGB3x3@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        Just went to their website and that shit looks like a parody of itself.

        But for $220…

  • londos@lemmy.world
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    Guys, does girth similarity affect the machine’s ability to jerk off different donors?

    • daed@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      Someone get the whiteboard…

  • db2@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Why is it so small though

    • Thermal_shocked@lemmy.world
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      Asians made it?

      • db2@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        Well that took a wrong turn quick.

      • THCDenton@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

  • PopcornPrincess@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Everything reminds me of her.

    • theangryseal@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      If I seem a little out of it, sorry.

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