I have had more than one. I am autistic with an anxiety disorder and ptsd and I had guys who aren’t those things always talk to me about girls like I am super pick up master just because inam decently looking and in shape. They way they talked about their experiences made me kinda not want any, too…
And no matter how much I tried to explain my situation when asking for advice they just gave sabotaging and extremely vague advice that doesn’t mean anything. I wasted away my 20s and a large part of my 30s because of shit like that.
The best advice is “women are people too, not some mystical being from outer space”. They feel the same emotions, they get hungry, they get horny, they get anxious or shy too."
Look for people who think similarly to you. I found it that I mesh well with other people who are on the spectrum, have adhd, etc. Ultimately nothing matters when you can’t approach someone, or go out of your way to find hobbies where you can find people with the same interests as you. So if you can’t get over that (or accept a rejection), it won’t work.
Also, don’t focus on a single person, especially someone who doesn’t return feelings / attention, or doesn’t have time for you at all. Even the busiest person will find a tiny bit of time to meet with you if they really like you. Obsessing over a single person for years isn’t the way to find love. Quoting a song by Tim Minchin, “your love is one in a million, but it doesn’t mean that the other 999 999 loves wouldn’t be equally nice”. If you find someone who returns your feelings, you mesh with well, hold on for dear life.
I said it in the comment above, if you are unable to go out / ask someone out / spend time with them, it is most likely not going to work out. I like spending my time with my cat too - but I am able of going out to meet someone in a park for instance. Maybe an online relationship with someone has a place, but at the end of the day - nothing can substitute being in the same place together.
You seem to have more pressing matters than a relationship to take care of. Finding a partner is secondary to taking care of yourself. A relationship won’t magically fix anything, worse yet, it can be detrimental to your health. A partner also isn’t there to baby you, or be your therapist. Can’t really give you mental health advice more than that, I am not a psychiatrist or a therapist. And even if I was, giving medical advice on the internet isn’t something people should be doing.
You probably need to rely on your support network, ask someone for help if possible, or call a doctor. It won’t be easy to overcome though.
Agoraphobia is fear of open spaces, enochlophobia is fear of crowds. You assume I want someone to baby me, I don’t. I just don’t know where to go to meet people like me, and make friends.
Just saying ‘go online’ and nothing else for starters. I ‘went online’ in the mid-2000s and found nothing but PUA and early manosphere crap that was utterly stupid and did far more damage to me socially in the long term that I didn’t even begin to fix until more than 13 years after the fact. It didn’t bring any positive results either. But due to my circumstances I just really didn’t know any better.
Also when I did ‘go online’ or ‘to bars’ and I described some highly weird experiences that I knew weren’t normal they would twist the events so badly that it makes me wonder if they were the autistic ones and not me.
For example when I was 22 years old, I went to a bar and started talking to this woman. She was older than me and kinda vague, lied to me about her name, lied about her martial status (before taking everything back, but never telling me her real name). This was in Dubai I might add, so the social dynamic is a very different place than it would be in north america… and would also really come back to bite me later. The only shit I had to go by was offering her a drink at the start…
But here is a kicker… no one ever bought her a drink before. Apparently she literally did not watch any western media or ignored whatever was on screen. Because the whole concept of anyone walking up to anyone in a bar and buying them a drink was a legit alien experience to her.
Long story short… I saw her a second time a few weeks later at the same bar and she had some friends with her. She treated like I was an ATM and basically thought that as long as she groped at me inappropriately she could ask for a meals and drinks and spending money for her and her friends (without the slightest hint of reciprocal sex). However she and friends were giddy and laughing while doing it.
I described the situation to them as I am here without mentioning the whole ‘this person never had a person buy her a drink’ but I DID add it later.
However this did nothing to convince them that they were trying to manipulate them, and they insisted that actually I should have gone for it and lost my virginity in a threesome with some MILFs that day. I am mildly exaggerating, but that was the gist of it.
BTW, just as an FYI, in many bars I went to in Dubai, they were lousy with sex workers. I did have plenty of girls touch me and act all giddy (but not ask for anything) and offer me ‘massages’ (which is a thinly veiled euphemism for sex in case it wasn’t obvious) for reasonable prices. The guys I was talking to weren’t in the middle east and just could not wrap their heads around my experiences being different from theirs.
Even with going online, they said nothing about where to go, how to make a good profile, what pictures to use or anything. Even trying to message people they insisted that you must never say anything other than ‘hi’ at first. This is even when they actually showed me what they did and had giant text walls that they sent detailing whatever was on her profile. I wasn’t able to replicate those, but their advice was just designed to make me waste my time.
Long story short. I am 41 now. Not a virgin, but dealing with a lot of bullshit. I dont care who I tell this to, but I am prepping to see a sexual therapist. I am practically writing my autobiography so I can just give it to them and bring them up to speed so I don’t waste tons of time and money just going on and on with the sessions. I need actual help and not just someone to talk to.
I’m sorry you had that experience. I had a similar, but different, experience. You keep referring to “they” who were giving you advice - who were these people and where did you meet them? It seems like this was a consistent group?
I eventually found some good advice, which boils down to:
Be honest. Be honest with people about who you are and what you are interested in. Some people might not like what you are offering. Some might even be offended. But this is all fine, as long as you are honest and respectful and talk to each woman with the assumption that the two of you are on the same team of figuring out if you are interested in each other.
Improve yourself. For most guys with dating issues, this includes things like going to therapy, building a healthy social life, being physically healthy, and generally being a happy person.
Talk to lots of women. People are different and want different things. In order to find the women who want what you have to offer, who are themselves offering what you want yourself, you need to talk to a lot of women.
Improving at these things is best accomplished from a place of a positive mindset, good mental health, and with a strong support system.
Frankly you sound like you have a great chance of moving past this, and it’s not weird to need some help or feedback from others, most of us do. It’s a shame the folks you found previously were such idiots, lots of people are really unqualified to give advice there. Keep pushing!
I have had more than one. I am autistic with an anxiety disorder and ptsd and I had guys who aren’t those things always talk to me about girls like I am super pick up master just because inam decently looking and in shape. They way they talked about their experiences made me kinda not want any, too…
And no matter how much I tried to explain my situation when asking for advice they just gave sabotaging and extremely vague advice that doesn’t mean anything. I wasted away my 20s and a large part of my 30s because of shit like that.
The best advice is “women are people too, not some mystical being from outer space”. They feel the same emotions, they get hungry, they get horny, they get anxious or shy too."
Look for people who think similarly to you. I found it that I mesh well with other people who are on the spectrum, have adhd, etc. Ultimately nothing matters when you can’t approach someone, or go out of your way to find hobbies where you can find people with the same interests as you. So if you can’t get over that (or accept a rejection), it won’t work.
Also, don’t focus on a single person, especially someone who doesn’t return feelings / attention, or doesn’t have time for you at all. Even the busiest person will find a tiny bit of time to meet with you if they really like you. Obsessing over a single person for years isn’t the way to find love. Quoting a song by Tim Minchin, “your love is one in a million, but it doesn’t mean that the other 999 999 loves wouldn’t be equally nice”. If you find someone who returns your feelings, you mesh with well, hold on for dear life.
I have agoraphobia, enochlophobia, and like to stay home with my cat. Any suggestions?
I said it in the comment above, if you are unable to go out / ask someone out / spend time with them, it is most likely not going to work out. I like spending my time with my cat too - but I am able of going out to meet someone in a park for instance. Maybe an online relationship with someone has a place, but at the end of the day - nothing can substitute being in the same place together.
You seem to have more pressing matters than a relationship to take care of. Finding a partner is secondary to taking care of yourself. A relationship won’t magically fix anything, worse yet, it can be detrimental to your health. A partner also isn’t there to baby you, or be your therapist. Can’t really give you mental health advice more than that, I am not a psychiatrist or a therapist. And even if I was, giving medical advice on the internet isn’t something people should be doing.
You probably need to rely on your support network, ask someone for help if possible, or call a doctor. It won’t be easy to overcome though.
Agoraphobia is fear of open spaces, enochlophobia is fear of crowds. You assume I want someone to baby me, I don’t. I just don’t know where to go to meet people like me, and make friends.
Like what exactly?
Just saying ‘go online’ and nothing else for starters. I ‘went online’ in the mid-2000s and found nothing but PUA and early manosphere crap that was utterly stupid and did far more damage to me socially in the long term that I didn’t even begin to fix until more than 13 years after the fact. It didn’t bring any positive results either. But due to my circumstances I just really didn’t know any better.
Also when I did ‘go online’ or ‘to bars’ and I described some highly weird experiences that I knew weren’t normal they would twist the events so badly that it makes me wonder if they were the autistic ones and not me.
For example when I was 22 years old, I went to a bar and started talking to this woman. She was older than me and kinda vague, lied to me about her name, lied about her martial status (before taking everything back, but never telling me her real name). This was in Dubai I might add, so the social dynamic is a very different place than it would be in north america… and would also really come back to bite me later. The only shit I had to go by was offering her a drink at the start…
But here is a kicker… no one ever bought her a drink before. Apparently she literally did not watch any western media or ignored whatever was on screen. Because the whole concept of anyone walking up to anyone in a bar and buying them a drink was a legit alien experience to her.
Long story short… I saw her a second time a few weeks later at the same bar and she had some friends with her. She treated like I was an ATM and basically thought that as long as she groped at me inappropriately she could ask for a meals and drinks and spending money for her and her friends (without the slightest hint of reciprocal sex). However she and friends were giddy and laughing while doing it.
I described the situation to them as I am here without mentioning the whole ‘this person never had a person buy her a drink’ but I DID add it later.
However this did nothing to convince them that they were trying to manipulate them, and they insisted that actually I should have gone for it and lost my virginity in a threesome with some MILFs that day. I am mildly exaggerating, but that was the gist of it.
BTW, just as an FYI, in many bars I went to in Dubai, they were lousy with sex workers. I did have plenty of girls touch me and act all giddy (but not ask for anything) and offer me ‘massages’ (which is a thinly veiled euphemism for sex in case it wasn’t obvious) for reasonable prices. The guys I was talking to weren’t in the middle east and just could not wrap their heads around my experiences being different from theirs.
Even with going online, they said nothing about where to go, how to make a good profile, what pictures to use or anything. Even trying to message people they insisted that you must never say anything other than ‘hi’ at first. This is even when they actually showed me what they did and had giant text walls that they sent detailing whatever was on her profile. I wasn’t able to replicate those, but their advice was just designed to make me waste my time.
Long story short. I am 41 now. Not a virgin, but dealing with a lot of bullshit. I dont care who I tell this to, but I am prepping to see a sexual therapist. I am practically writing my autobiography so I can just give it to them and bring them up to speed so I don’t waste tons of time and money just going on and on with the sessions. I need actual help and not just someone to talk to.
I’m sorry you had that experience. I had a similar, but different, experience. You keep referring to “they” who were giving you advice - who were these people and where did you meet them? It seems like this was a consistent group?
I eventually found some good advice, which boils down to:
Be honest. Be honest with people about who you are and what you are interested in. Some people might not like what you are offering. Some might even be offended. But this is all fine, as long as you are honest and respectful and talk to each woman with the assumption that the two of you are on the same team of figuring out if you are interested in each other.
Improve yourself. For most guys with dating issues, this includes things like going to therapy, building a healthy social life, being physically healthy, and generally being a happy person.
Talk to lots of women. People are different and want different things. In order to find the women who want what you have to offer, who are themselves offering what you want yourself, you need to talk to a lot of women.
Improving at these things is best accomplished from a place of a positive mindset, good mental health, and with a strong support system.
Frankly you sound like you have a great chance of moving past this, and it’s not weird to need some help or feedback from others, most of us do. It’s a shame the folks you found previously were such idiots, lots of people are really unqualified to give advice there. Keep pushing!