As National Guard troops took to the streets ready to open fire on U.S. citizens in the name of “Making America Great Again”, President Trump reminded all Americans that he only stands against starting wars on foreign soil.

“During my decade of non-stop campaigning,” bellowed Trump at a camera in the Oval Office, “I have made it clear that I think all wars on foreign soil are stupid, even the ones I am on record as having previously supported – especially the one where I had to fake a condition so they couldn’t draft me.”

Trump turned to another waiting camera, “As everybody knows, only suckers and losers – also known as ‘the poors’ – are dumb enough to be soldiers. Sad.”

The U.S. Commander in Chief continued, as his subordinates were instructed to weep openly in admiration, “But I never said anything about not starting a war in America. The only reason anyone thinks Lincoln was a great president is because he was in charge during a civil war, and since everyone knows I am the greatest president ever, we need another one, NOW.”

Trump then pointed to a large monitor where the words “Project 2025 Military Coup” had been crossed out, and “Operation: Big Beautiful Bullets” had been written in sharpie. […]