Might be a weird title so let me prelude - My mom is a Muslim and my dad is a Catholic, bith don’t practice, my mom believes in God while my dad is a bit iffy about it and doesn’t care… And is not a fan of the Catholic church ironically enough. (They are Bosniak and Croat, though both identify as Croatian).

Religion has always been tied to ethnic affiliation in my cultural sphere. I.e a Croat is a Catholic, a Bosniak a Muslim, a Serb Orthodox.

My household is secular and my mom isn’t too informed on Islam, she was just born into it, same with my grandparents. We don’t celebrate any holidays per say, but we acknowledge them (both Christian and Muslim - Eid Mubarak to y’all btw!).

I’ve been ruminating on Islam whether or not it fits me. Most principles do, same in Christianity (the commandments and such). I’ve also talked to Muslim friends who either told me to choose my own path or some said I should convert. Because I am rather knowledgeable in the religion, courtesy to my dilligent research. Some of my Catholic friends told me I should choose, if not for myself, for my future children. So they can have some foundational tradition to follow.

Thing is, the very word “Islam” - which means “To submit” is something my stubborness is unable to accept.

I see God, if he exists, as an indifferent programmer who set the rules of nature and let it play out. We are merely side-effects of those rules and owe nothing to God.

If anything, the greatest worship is to study nature and the sciences. To appreciate the universe and all its beauty.

I base my code of ethics on an amalgam of things, including what I was taught and instilled with by my parents and friends. Honor, loyalty, humbleness, discipline etc… From the Slavic mythos of “Being happy on the happiness of ithers” and the sanctity of nature to the teachings of Christ and the very discipline practiced by faithful Muslims.

I have mentioned that I am too stubborn to submit, but I remain humble in front of nature. I have no control over it. But collectively we as mankind can have control over it. In short - we are children (children of God) and eventually we will come out of the cradle.

Anyway, my main concern is lack of community. And the worry if I meet someone my non-adherence will cost me a relationship. I was already rejected, despite not having interest in anything deeper at the time. But it made me think. Since I do have a lot of Muslims acquaintances and contact with Muslims, including my family, that it would cause a problem.

My parents, and grandparents, frankly didn’t give a damn. Religion was a non-issue, and barely discussed. But even if I were forced to choose, I wouldn’t take the shahada if it was insincere and only for marriage.

I am just exploring. I am attemoting to find a way, a tradition to live by. Not a God to worship. And I will probably forge my own path.

But you never know.

Thank you for reading! Blessed Eid/Kurban Bajram to you!