It’s official. I’ve become an elder gay. I’m now giving advice to a guy in his late 20s that became my roommate and I’m in no way prepared and really need to help this guy acclimate.
He’s nice. He’s kind. He has history of drug abuse or criminal record. But I’m pretty sure he’s on the spectrum. He has poor social skills and he’s trying very very hard to meet people and make friends and just function. But he’s picking up that he makes people uncomfortable at the bar and at his job and he’s so upset.
I’m probably on the spectrum myself too. I see so much of myself in that kid it’s frightening. But I’m not exactly a huge success story myself. I’ve improved with time and repeated exposure to social situations over the years. I’ve made major improvements but I’m still quite off myself so I’m certainly no role model.
I really want to help this guy but am having Tori or explaining things like “if you go to the bars and don’t buy drinks, you are kind of fucking over the people that work there” or “when people say no to your advances, that’s okay” or “that guy that was the bartenders boyfriend yesterday is in fact still his boyfriend today”.
He hovers and watches people but never seems to initiate conversations. He just kind of circles like a vulture waiting for someone else to start the conversation. He’s just fine once it starts but his inability to introduce himself and just hovering around people he wants to talk to makes people think he’s creepy. He’s just neurodivergent. Absolutely harmless. Just getting a super late start with developing this social skills.
I dunno. I want to help this guy and am not super sure how to do this without risking upsetting him more. He’s super frustrated and confused but he’s not violent or loud or threatening or anything. He just needs help and for whatever reason he values my opinion.
How can I help this guy develop better social skills?
I’ve done the wingman thing and it’s been very successful in diffusing some situations he didn’t realize how bad they were. But I’m not always there to introduce him to people. Like today he was really upset and texting me from work that he overheard some coworker he knew for a few years say he was awkward and made him uncomfortable.
For me, that’s nothing. I’m used to people disliking me and I accept that they have no obligation to like me. But he’s still younger and upset by that. He hasn’t quite reached the “fuck it” stage of dismissiveness I have and that hurts him.
He also came into my room this afternoon to talk for a bit and I was just sleeping in. We talked and I figured he would go off and do other things but he got on his phone and just sat in my room while I kept trying to go back to sleep. I didn’t bother pointing out that was rude and unusual behavior as I needed to get up anyway but it’s just an example of what I’m dealing with.
He’s shockingly booksmart, certainly more so than I. But he misses social queues and situational/contextual things. I’ve never been mad at him but he’s so hard on himself and insecure that he doesn’t really seem to learn from the experience. He just kind of scolds himself and treats it as a failure to get upset about rather than saying “okay, now I know this.”
I have a different energy about this that came from getting older and calloused. He’s learning things now most people learned when they were children and he’s getting very upset. I feel bad and need to help the guy but I’m REALLY insensitive and crass and sarcastic. These are things he isn’t always able to decode with me. Like, he can’t process sarcasm without some explicit confirmation that a statement is sarcastic. So my natural way of speaking can make things worse if his confidence is low and he’s frustrated.
Yeah, it ain’t easy.
Have you had the boundaries talk with him? Not everyone understands what they are, and how to both respect and accept them as not being a personal attack. Sometimes, you gotta give them the talk, explain stuff that isn’t as obvious as it seems.
Yea I’m going to have to talk to him about that.