My daughter is ~2 months shy of being 21. Her boyfriend is 46. For reference, I’m 45. She introduced him to my wife and me about half a year ago. Since then I’ve had to bond with him in order to maintain the great relationship I have with my daughter and also keep an eye out for her. But it’s tough, uncomfortable. It is what it is. As we say here “să fie ea sănătoasă” - as long as she’s healthy (health is the most important thing).
I had a relationship with an older woman once, with a similar age gap.
It just clicked. I was e initiator, took a bit for me to convince her that I legitimately found her attractive, but once she got over the face palming about how young I was, it was just like a normal relationship, but with different music/tv tastes. She took the brunt of shit from her friends.
But it worked.
Eventually I broke up with her because I didn’t see a future, the age gap was just too large. Also I lost the “spark” over time - normal relationship stuff.
I can only imagine how weird it must be for you as the father. I would be very skeptical at first because as I myself age, the more 21 year olds just look like fucking children, and I just can’t imagine a world where I would be attracted to them.
BUT I was on the other side of that equation once and I’m telling you, it was legit.
You don’t have to like your daughter’s boyfriend - that’s the father’s sovereign right to harrumph. But, if he treats her well and she’s happy, I would say do your best to accept it and make good, because it could be so much worse.
Most relationships at her age end, this one might too. Maybe she’ll realize like I did that she’s spinning up and he’s winding down - maybe that will never matter for them. A gap that large will always have weird challenges, but it adds something really great for her also - he’s likely to have a lot of general life shit figured out that her 22 year old BFs just won’t, even if he’s “childish,” there’s no replacement for 20+ years of life experience sometimes.
Good luck!
That sounds quite awkward and strange for you. I honestly can’t imagine how weird that must be. But it sounds like you’re handling it the best way possible by supporting your daughter, maintaining your relationship with her, and keeping an eye on the whole thing. She’s an adult who can make her own decisions (granted a very young adult), so from what I can tell you’re being a great dad!
Since we’re all being candid here, I’ll admit that I’m wondering what your relationship with her looks like. People typically say these sorts of massive age gap relationships are due to “daddy issues”, and seeing as you’re the dad, you would probably know.
I hope that doesn’t come off as insensitive, I’m just curious as to what would drive a woman who is 20 to date a man almost exactly the same age as her father.
I’m extremely close with her. Have always been. She has the same kind of relationship with her mom as well. She feels comfortable enough to talk openly with us about absolutely anything. I asked her the same question myself. She says she never thought about the age, they just “vibed”. To be honest, from their interactions he doesn’t have a “father figure” thing going on at all. He’s kind of childish for his age. I personally feel like I’m interacting with a younger brother when we’re together, not a man 1 year older than me.
That sounds like probably the best case scenario within the circumstances.
Ugh. Nightmare fuel. Do you think he’s a decent guy?
Depends on what the standards for decent are, I guess. He has a great job, has money, is hardworking. Personality wise I find him tiring. He’s the kind of person who’s constantly going: “what me to help with that, need me to do anything, so what’s up”, etc etc. Suffocating. But at the same time I can feel he means well. He’s very generous and willing to lend a hand 24/7. He’s a strict non drinker (apparently because his dad was a major alcoholic), non smoker - which I like, I feel like he’s a good influence regarding vice avoidance. I can see that my daughter is very happy being with him. She used to be kind of shy and insecure but now has come out of her shell a lot, she has become very extroverted and confident. He’s her “hype guy” regarding university studies and career.
It’s tough, it sounds like besides the age difference, he’s alright. I totally get why it gives you the ick though. Your only complaints about him being overbearing probably comes from him also recognizing the awkwardness of the situation and overcompensating trying to be extra nice.
Yeah. My daughter says that’s just his personality with everyone. And she loves that about him. The fact that he has a “good heart” as she puts it - you could call him up at 3 in the morning and ask for him to come and help you with something and he’d do it, no questions asked. She feels “protected” and that she can “depend on him always”. He came with us to visit my parents (daughter’s grandparents) in the countryside and he chopped wood and made the fires for them (their house is heated using firewood). Being a total city guy - that really impressed my parents; the fact that he wasn’t snobbish at all (used the outhouse without issues) and he was so willing to help around.
Jesus Christ, what do they even talk about?! Like, I’m not one to judge, but the dude’s old enough to be her dad (heck, even older as you’ve indirectly said!), I have trouble relating to people ten years younger than me…
I can imagine this is deeply uncomfortable. But hang in there, maybe she’s just figuring some things out with herself.
Honestly, of all the things to focus on “we couldn’t talk about twenty year old popular media” is something you might want to spend some introspection time on.
I think you’re assuming a bit too much (or, more specifically, too little) about the difficulties I’ve encountered.
Could say the same to you, given that popular media was your go-to…
Oh, so you just can’t relate to current events, politics, various hobbies, classical art, etc then to the point of having nothing to talk about with someone?
Or just remember what it was like to be ten years younger?
Can’t even watch new shows or whatever together?
Fair enough.
If that’s enough for you, then that’s enough for you. But trying to impose your standards on others is not ok.
Different people have different needs and interests, that should have been obvious by now.
When I was 30 I went on a date with a girl who was 20 (she asked me out). She was very cute, very bright, and pretty mature. I just couldn’t even go on a second date, it was so strange. She was so young, and we didn’t even have any pop culture references in common. It was just weird.
They have a lot of hobbies in common. They’re both very adventurous. Seeing them interact with each other, they talk about anything and everything. He’s very… youthful. I don’t enjoy bonding with him because I have a very laidback and calm personality, while he’s very rowdy and fiery. My daughter bickers with him a lot because of his personality, playfully, of course…
Well, at least it sounds like it’s not a “just for the hell of it” relationship if nothing else. Hopefully, it’s applicable at both ends.
Become excellent friends with him. Push hard on the worst nostalgic millennial bullshit when you’re together, so she gets that younger generation cringe factor when she thinks about him. Seeing men as old dudes just like dad wrecks the lady boner quick, assuming that’s not her fetish.
Yes, the solutions to your parenting problems are emotional manipulation and treating your adult children like you have the right to determine their relationships.
