A couple of years ago, I started building a house. It was a huge project, and while I didnāt directly ask my friends for help, I quietly hoped some of them might offer. No one did, which was disappointing, but I didnāt confront anyone about it.
At the same time, I was planning a wedding with my wife last year. We invited my entire friend group (about 15 people) and had a great time (August 24). The last time we all saw each other was at a New Yearās gatheringābut since then, things have gone quiet.
Whatās happened now is that about 7 people from the original group have started doing more things together, but they donāt regularly invite the rest of us anymore. Iāve noticed Iām no longer naturally included. We havenāt had a falling out, but thereās been around 4 months of silence now, and I havenāt reached out eitherāpartly because it feels awkward after this long.
Since then, Iāve also changed my lifestyle a bit. I started going to the gym regularly and Iāve pulled back from drinking, which the group still does a lot of on weekends. So maybe Iāve distanced myself too, without fully realizing it.
Now I feel kind of alone. I have barely any social contact outside of two others from the group who also seem to be excluded. And honestly, itās been getting to me. At my age (early 30s), it feels hard to find new people to really connect with. I do say hi and chat a bit with regulars at the gym, but thatās as far as it goes. I wouldnāt feel comfortable just asking someone to go out to eat or hang out.
So Iām wondering:
Is this just a normal phase of life and friendship? Was I expecting too much back then? And is it worth trying to reach out again, or should I just accept the drift and try to build something new (somehow)?
Iād really appreciate any outside thoughts or similar experiencesā¦
It keeps getting me if I see posts from my friend group when they go on vacation or trips together and put it on their status. Even if I likely wouldnāt have time Iād think it would be cool if they would just ask if I wanted to join? But I donāt seem to fit in at all anymore.
Yeah, itās pretty normal for social circles to shift over time. Itās inevitable even. Jobs change, people move, have kids, get sick, get religion; life is ever changing. Permanence is illusion when it comes to people.
The older you get, the more visit change happens, no matter how you struggle against it. Just the physical aspects of aging shift social dynamics, as well as our inner selves developing along the chaotic path existence tends to put before us.
But, relationships take work. Doesnāt matter what kind. If your coworker and you never say a word to each other, how well are you going to interact on a project? If you and your mom never send each other letters or texts, or make calls, it is a very difficult thing to make small talk at Christmas, no matter how much love there is.
Friends take work. And it has to be mutual (as opposed to family where it should be, but often isnāt). If youāre building a house, get busy, and donāt participate in the group chat, how they gonna know you even want to talk? Theyād have to ask, right? Itās a two way street, and it often only takes someone pulling off to grab a slushie before the rest just keep moving on.
Like, with your house. There was nothing to confront anyone about. There was no need for discussion after the fact. Theyāre friends, so you either reach out when help is needed, or you donāt. Did you invite anyone over for beers n bullshit when you were done for the day? Should a good friend have at least checked in to see how you were doing? Fuck yeah. Thatās what a friend does. Maybe not every day, or every week, or even every month. But if the other parties didnāt put in the basic effort at friend stuff, then they werenāt friends, they were just people you know, and thereās a difference.
But, in your thirties, keeping a friend group together is harder than it is when youāre young, or when you start moving out of middle age. Shit is busy from the late twenties to mid forties for sure. So seeing most of the group at one place twice in a year, and only for events, isnāt unusual. It isnāt sustainable and still remain a group, but thatās the age range where friend groups tend to drift.
Me? If you want back into the group activities, I say either ask to be included, or invite them into your life again. Life has things drifting, so grab a rope and see if someone grabs it, you dig?