A couple of years ago, I started building a house. It was a huge project, and while I didnāt directly ask my friends for help, I quietly hoped some of them might offer. No one did, which was disappointing, but I didnāt confront anyone about it.
At the same time, I was planning a wedding with my wife last year. We invited my entire friend group (about 15 people) and had a great time (August 24). The last time we all saw each other was at a New Yearās gatheringābut since then, things have gone quiet.
Whatās happened now is that about 7 people from the original group have started doing more things together, but they donāt regularly invite the rest of us anymore. Iāve noticed Iām no longer naturally included. We havenāt had a falling out, but thereās been around 4 months of silence now, and I havenāt reached out eitherāpartly because it feels awkward after this long.
Since then, Iāve also changed my lifestyle a bit. I started going to the gym regularly and Iāve pulled back from drinking, which the group still does a lot of on weekends. So maybe Iāve distanced myself too, without fully realizing it.
Now I feel kind of alone. I have barely any social contact outside of two others from the group who also seem to be excluded. And honestly, itās been getting to me. At my age (early 30s), it feels hard to find new people to really connect with. I do say hi and chat a bit with regulars at the gym, but thatās as far as it goes. I wouldnāt feel comfortable just asking someone to go out to eat or hang out.
So Iām wondering:
Is this just a normal phase of life and friendship? Was I expecting too much back then? And is it worth trying to reach out again, or should I just accept the drift and try to build something new (somehow)?
Iād really appreciate any outside thoughts or similar experiencesā¦
It keeps getting me if I see posts from my friend group when they go on vacation or trips together and put it on their status. Even if I likely wouldnāt have time Iād think it would be cool if they would just ask if I wanted to join? But I donāt seem to fit in at all anymore.
Communication.
Communication, communication, communication.
A running theme Iām noticing is a lack of communication between you and your friends about whatās going on. Youāre asking us to tell you if itās normal or not, yet it sounds as though you havenāt reached out to them to say something like, āhey man, whatās up? Everything good? Sorry I havenāt been talking as much, howās life?ā
Iām gonna take a wild guess and say that youāre cis male because this is a thing common with cis men: most of yāall donāt know how to communicate with one another. Itās totally possible that the ones who still do things together are actively communicating in the background.
Soā¦ Whatās stopping you from hitting them up on Facebook, discord, telegram, signal, Whatsapp, etc?
Whatās keeping you from trying to help carry the torch?
Relationships are two-way streets, after all. Itās exhausting when youāre always the one to initiate with someone. Like, trust me, thatās me. Iām the one whoās always having to initiate. Even as a very outgoing gal, itās fucking exhausting.
The people who donāt regularly respond to my messages or only respond in short statements are the ones I let myself drift away from. They rapidly drain my energy and I lose interest in talking to them very quickly. Why would you hang around a brick wall?
The ones where I always have to initiate but are otherwise communicative are the ones that stay friends. Sure, Iām the one who has to remind them of my existence, but they have lives, they may have anxieties, they will typically have something interesting to say whenever I talk to them.
The ones who initiate with me are the ones who I end up being closest to. Those are the ones where friendship (or otherwise) feels effortless and will actually restore energy when I talk to them. Theyāre the ones who end up at the top of my friendās list.
Communicate with your friends. See whatās going on in their heads. If you canāt do that, then of course youāre gonna drift away. Like, sorry to be blunt, but you may come off as a boring person. You gotta remind them that you arenāt by talking about hobbies and whatnot.