A couple of years ago, I started building a house. It was a huge project, and while I didnāt directly ask my friends for help, I quietly hoped some of them might offer. No one did, which was disappointing, but I didnāt confront anyone about it.
At the same time, I was planning a wedding with my wife last year. We invited my entire friend group (about 15 people) and had a great time (August 24). The last time we all saw each other was at a New Yearās gatheringābut since then, things have gone quiet.
Whatās happened now is that about 7 people from the original group have started doing more things together, but they donāt regularly invite the rest of us anymore. Iāve noticed Iām no longer naturally included. We havenāt had a falling out, but thereās been around 4 months of silence now, and I havenāt reached out eitherāpartly because it feels awkward after this long.
Since then, Iāve also changed my lifestyle a bit. I started going to the gym regularly and Iāve pulled back from drinking, which the group still does a lot of on weekends. So maybe Iāve distanced myself too, without fully realizing it.
Now I feel kind of alone. I have barely any social contact outside of two others from the group who also seem to be excluded. And honestly, itās been getting to me. At my age (early 30s), it feels hard to find new people to really connect with. I do say hi and chat a bit with regulars at the gym, but thatās as far as it goes. I wouldnāt feel comfortable just asking someone to go out to eat or hang out.
So Iām wondering:
Is this just a normal phase of life and friendship? Was I expecting too much back then? And is it worth trying to reach out again, or should I just accept the drift and try to build something new (somehow)?
Iād really appreciate any outside thoughts or similar experiencesā¦
It keeps getting me if I see posts from my friend group when they go on vacation or trips together and put it on their status. Even if I likely wouldnāt have time Iād think it would be cool if they would just ask if I wanted to join? But I donāt seem to fit in at all anymore.
Well I offer my help where I can, but it always was like: āWe are already enough people but thanks anyways.ā as responses before I built my house.
So I asked my one friend who is actually the āorganizerā of our friend group if he needs help moving but he always said: āThanks Iāll reach out if we need more people but we are enough thanks.ā And he never really reached out and asked for my help. Same goes with two others I offered to help them when moving in 2021 during Covid but they declined cause of Covid rulesā¦ So yeah I offered everyone my help in some way in the past but no one really needed my help.
So in my case I never helped anyone but I offered my help. That is one reason why I didnāt directly ask my friends for help either because well I never helped them (even if I wanted to) so was hoping theyād just ask if I need help like I asked them.
But in the end I would have also refused to get help from them but it would have been nice if someone asked.
Wow people are really absurd. āI want help but would refuse if someone asks but still would like people to ask.ā
Holy shit dude, just tell your friends how you feel. Say āhey, I feel like weāve been drifting apart the last few years, and I donāt like it. Whatās up with that?ā Then, go from there based on responses. Itās literally that simple.
I think with a task like that itās hard to judge the response. Many people feel like theyāre being a burden asking for helpers with things like that, so they may have felt like they were doing you a favor by letting you off the hook when you asked.
To be honest if I were you I would start inviting these people to fun stuff and see what happens. If you try that a few times and you just get dismissive or wishy-washy responses then you probably have your answer and can focus your attention elsewhere.
If youāre not hanging out with them already you donāt have anything to lose by trying to push the issue a bit. If they really want to hang out theyāll be receptive, even if you have to do some negotiating on a time that works for everyone.