I keep avoiding the topic with myself. I would like to do HRT but I mainly spin the following reasons in my head for not doing it:
-
Muscle loss, I cant work out as often as I would like and it would be visible. I don’t feel secure without some muscle to seem intimidating so I can defend myself. I am rather visibly queer and already get harassed as is for that and wearing a mask. I dont know any self defense and having muscles at least deters some people.
-
I dont want to be dependent for my whole life on estrogen. Logically speaking I want it but I keep thinking in war scenarios, or travelling, or anything impredictable it would basically be near impossible to get and I dont want to depend on something I cannot obtain easily and cant control the circumstances
-
Where I live there are no trans friendly doctors and I do not trust myself with DIY dosages at all. I wouldnt trust the DIY source in the first place, and even then making sure I dont fuck up my own body is too big of a responsability. I likely have OCD and freaking out if I did the dosages correctly or some small random shit would not do me good. Would very much prefer doctors but impossible in my case.
Asides I would really like the changes mentally and physically. I am too hesitant to get into this without proper help from a doctor or such. I’ve been reading HRT materials for at least an year and I still find a lot of the chemistry things confusing and dosages.
The whole muscle loss/gain thing is very much “your mileage may vary”. For what its worth I’ve been able to make gains nearly half a decade in. The supply chain disruption thing is scary but can be prepared for and just about every drug that feminizing HRT is comprised of is being used off-label. Spironolactone, for example, is generally refered to as a diruetic. This makes it much more widely available than would be otherwise.
The rest of what Im going to say is much less concrete than concerns about supply or biodynamics.
All things come to an end, and so will you. The possibility that things might get worse in the future shouldn’t prevent you from making things better for yourself now. In the end, “what would it have been like had I taken that chance?” stings a whole hell of a lot worse than “damn, I sure fucked that one up”.
HRT doesn’t have to be a forever thing. Its your body, its your life. If it turns out that you don’t like how it makes you feel you can stop at any time. However, if you never start you’ll never get to make that choice.
Personally, I spent about half a decade coming up with reasons not to transition until things caught up with me and the fear of the nothing I was becoming overpowered the shame I felt towards my queerness. I didn’t want to be dependent on drugs (at the time I was an unapologetic nicotine addict, so this is really funny), I didn’t want to make myself vulnerable, and I didn’t want to be wrong about all this. I started HRT conditionally, taking low doses of an antiandrogen before incorporating estrogen months later, just to give myself time to accept who I already knew I was.
I don’t know you and I won’t pretend I do, but I will say this: Go for it, get on HRT, there are people who can help you with the ins and outs so you won’t have to go at it alone. This could be one of the best things you ever do for yourself. It might be hard at times but you were never going to lead a life free of struggle, so you should choose to struggle for something good.