My boyfriend (m) and i (f) have been together of just about two years and we are going through a rough patch lately. Weāve been fighting a lot, and talking about going to couples counseling. Itās been exhausting, and unfortunately, i noticed he lets it affect special occasions too.
(This post is about my birthday but i will include valentines bc it was very recent, is similiar and could provide insight) The days before valentines, we were in the middle of a fight again, but i still went out of my way to get him somethingāeven though i donāt have a car and had to ask someone to drive me. He, on the other hand, didnāt get me anything. Not even flowers (he knows i adore flowers). When i told him i was upset about that, he said it was because we were fighting that he didnt get anything. ā¦okay, but that didnāt stop me, did it? (Last valentines when we werenāt fighting he also didnt get me anything though so)
After that, we settled things for a bit and were doing fine, but two weeks before my birthday, we got into the same argument again (its one reocurring issue). We werenāt talking much, but obviously, we both knew my birthday was coming upāitās something he knows is really important to me.
A few days before my birthday, he said something so hurtful that i just hit my limit. I told him not to bother me on my birthday because i was so exhausted from fighting. He said that made him sad because he had wanted to spend time together and was drawing something for me. I told him: āi donāt want to see how nice you can be to me for one day and know that itās all going to be over after this day ends.ā
Fast forward to my birthday. First thing, that he messages me was not to say something nice or make me feel special. Instead, he brings up our ongoing fight. Then after that, he says, āi know we arenāt on good terms, but i did want to wish you a happy birthday.ā and congratulated me and that was it.
The entire rest of the day? Nothing. No messages. No checking in. He didnāt show me the drawing he said he was working on. justā¦ silence. and yeah, he sent me flowers, but they arrived two days late. and honestly, i was expecting some kind of gift, not just flowers. Because if i had been in his position, even if we were fighting, i wouldāve still wanted to show him that he mattered to me. (like i did on valentines day)
Now, i know i told him not to bother me BUT:
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- he already ignored that when he messaged me to bring up something regarding our fight.
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- how could he justā¦ go along with it? he knows i donāt have any friends where i live. he knows i was most certainly going to be all alone that day. If the roles were reversed, i would have immediately known he was just saying that out of anger and hurt, and i wouldnāt have let him spend his birthday alone. Its not even asking him to read my mind or anything its just. it doesnt take a lot to read inbetween the linesā¦
Iād like to add that, overall, he is a generous guy and sometiems gives me gifts randomly (and im always thankful!). But when it comes to occasions that actually matter to me to be celebrated/shown you care about the other he justā¦ falls flat or is empty handed. Itās very confusing to meā¦
so, am i overreacting by feeling really hurt that he just let me be alone on my birthday and didnt even get me anything? or is this on me because i told him not to reach out?
thankful for any feedback ;(
As others have mentioned, there is clearly a communication breakdown. Itās probably not the only thing, but the key thing I see is a lack of communication about expectations.
Itās clear you care about this relationship because youāre experiencing a lot of hurt over his actions. And itās clear you care about him as youāre doing things for him the way you like to be cared for. And under normal circumstances, sure this is one way to communicate expectations and develop reciprocation. Your feelings are totally understandable. His actions didnāt meet your expectations of caring for you and the relationship, and that feels like he doesnāt care or even feels like an attack on you, and it can feel unjust because youāre doing the things.
However, when youāre in a rough patch and arguing, itās not the status quo anymore and expectations arenāt as clear. It can be confusing, especially when things are tense/fraught, to ask someone to do something and expect them to do something else. If heās repeatedly not meeting expectations with what you assume he knows in the moment, then you might have to reconsider your assumption and re-communicate that.
So during fights, it might be more helpful to explicitly feel out each othersā expectations and wants at a base level on common things like special occasions. Which brings us to the other side. Understandably, youāre focuses on how you feel about it and your frustrations. Itās a frustrating situation with deep implications for a relationship thatās incredibly important to you. What we havenāt heard much about is what you know about his expectations and how he likes being cared for. Did you know what his expectations around Valentineās were? For some people, acting like everything is normal and exchanging gifts right after a major fight can feel painfully disingenuous and forced. Do you know what his expectations were around your birthday?
This isnāt to call you out or anything, especially when youāre upset about the situation, but rather to point out a gap. If the goal is to reconcile and develop a resolution to the fraught situation, it has to start with mutual understanding of each othersā expectations and where both your feelings are coming from. This doesnāt mean immediately accepting blame or agreeing with the otherās justifications in the broader arguments. It just means creating the space for each other to be genuinely seen and heard.
Now, i know i told him not to bother me BUT
Thereās no but here. You asked to be left alone and you were. Thatās it. If youāre disappointed then you need to communicate your needs a little better.
In a nutshell, donāt ask for one thing and expect the opposite. Thatās not how healthy relationships work. Communicate your needs.
He respected your wishes. Thatās a good thing.
Clearly, in hindsight, what you expressed to him was not really what you wanted. Thatās on you, not him. It might help for you to have individual counseling to learn to better recognize/express your needs and it might help to have couples counseling to learn how to work through whatever your arguments are about.
It also sounds like you are probably young, and this just may not be a permanent relationship. That can be very painful, but not every relationship is made to last.
thank you for your feedback. we are both in out mid/late twenties
Along with the other comment, if an issue keeps popping up and no solution can be found, then itās one of two things:
- The issue canāt be solved
- Youāre bad at communicating
If itās 1), the solution is either to accept it and not mention it again or to break up.
If itās 2), which is likely, since this post is about bad communication, you need to be ready to learn about better communication, and take steps towards doing that. If youāre not, then itāll likely lead to resentment which again leads to breaking up.
i understand that in regards to the issue weāre fighting about. However the issue has nothing directly to do with the holidays and showing you still care about each other on speacial days, so im just wondering if using the issues to not do that is valid in other peoples opinions
Yes. And the world is telling you back that at best you are awful at being in a relationship and at worst youāre a manipulative monster. You pick, I donāt know you but those are the only options.
Participating in a relationship with other people is a skill. Even you must admit that youāre bad at it (otherwise youād have friends). I know you came here for feedback on him but the fact of the matter is youāve told us nothing about him. Only about you, and how you felt. Weāve got no clue whether he was reacting appropriately. You wonāt tell us what the fight was about. So the only thing we see is you being a complete Trainwreck.
Seriously. You lack fundamental, basic understanding of how relationships work, probably because your parents are horrible people so youāve never seen what healthy is. Thatās their fault for not modeling good behaviour, but itās your problem to fix. And you need to do it soon.
People thought you were a child here because youāre acting like one.
As others have said, no. In no uncertain terms do you have any right to be angry he did what you asked him to do. The fact that you think otherwise is a maaaaaaaassive bloody crimson red flag. Genuinely, you need a therapist. Youāre not going to figure out how fucked up you are on your own, and youāre not going to invent mental health whole cloth out of nowhere.
Genuinely, if you were my friend, Iād be forcing you into an intervention right now. If you ever want to live a happy life, you need to unlearn all this toxic bullshit youāve picked up from somewhere as a kid because if you go on acting like this you will NEVER find joy. Iām sorry the world fucked you. Now choose to be better or choose to stay terrible.
Oh also, good men donāt put up with people like you. Heās definitely an asshole. Iāve just got no idea what kind.
Gets exactly what they asked for, complains that partner didnāt read their mind and do the opposite.
Your relationships are always going to have this problem if you donāt change that.
