So I started talking to this guy in November. I really like him and he says the same. We are long distance of 7 hours so it’s not so so bad and we see each other here and there when he’s down here for work. Anyways… lately I’ve been feeling self - conscious and scared of him being bored / abandoning me. I had a bad past with my ex (he would compare me to other girls towards the end of our relationship and tell me he’s watching twerking lives to my face). And I’ve had anxious detachment relationships with my dad as we used to fight and not talk a lot so these feelings stem from trauma.

Anyways long story short. I obviously looked through his following. Nothing bad. He was following this one Instagram famous girl who post like thirst pics and whatever (boobs popping out, tongue out, etc) super gorgeous but the photos know what they r doing lol. Anyways, she was live and I joined and I said haha my man follows you. Take in, he liked her picture 2 days ago and it upset me because I don’t look anything like her and he wasn’t even liking my own stories. How do I have other men liking my stories but not him?! Lol. Anyways, I told her that she’s like oh eww girl lemme block him for you. I was surprised and I’m like sure lol. I told her if she can just remove him from her followers list and she did. She and her other viewers were telling me to see if he follows her back because then he’s noticing it. I feel so toxic that I’ve done this and so grossed out from myself. Oh btw, she said he would always text her and send her memes and say she looks good. But she said the last time he did that was November which is when we started talking so it’s fine I guess. But I don’t follow any men who post stuff like that so I found it so annoying that he liked the picture when it should’ve reminded him to unfollow her lol. Maybe I’m just mentally ill.

We also haven’t been talking as much the last couple days because when I found out I felt so gross and then I broke down to him (I didn’t tell him) about how I’m scared of the future and what will happen (I’m seeing him in two days and he said we will talk about it in person) but not texting all day until night (work stuff for him lol) is taking a toll of me . But it’s only temporarily as he’s down here for work but whatever. I get people have lives.

I just feel like I give so much of myself and my happiness, even faking it all the time, to not feel it in return. It feels like men r so interested at first but then they think ur so wrapped around their finger that they can start showing u less attention.

But he is a great guy and he hasn’t done anything wrong except that unless im just crazy. But he does treat me good. I might’ve got too vulnerable with him, he got me flowers and I cried like…. And when he told me to my eyes how much he loves spending time with me and it makes him happy i cried too because im not used to those things and hearing those words. Maybe that was a mistake

  • MentalEdge@sopuli.xyz
    7·
    7 hours ago

    What I’m about to say, isn’t necessarily true for your guy, but it is for me.

    Also, just to validate your feelings a bit, nothing you’re feeling is weird or crazy. I experience some of my strongest emotions in the context of romance, but keeping a lid on them and recognizing and controlling my feelings and the potential behaviour they might lead to, is something I’ve gotten good at. I think every seemingly sane person is doing similar emotional self-management.

    And, in terms of attention, you are allowed to ask for more. Or less. You are also not required to fake the good times, unless you genuinely want to do that for someone for a bit. Doing it long term, is just straight up not healthy. A partner in life is supposed to be there both for the good, and the bad.

    Showing vulnerability, is never a mistake. If someone uses it against you, that’s their fault, not yours. Still, if it happens, it’ll hurt.

    I don’t know of a way to avoid that eventuality, aside from luck, or giving up on relationships entirely. And that’s not a trade worth making, imo. (Though difficult not to make, if hurt before)

    What helped me, was realizing, and more importantly, believing, that any half-decent person will do everything in their power to avoid hurting others. If they don’t, then I misjudged their character, and they should not be in my life. It has made it easier for me to forgive those who did not intend it, and to walk away from those that did.

    Now for what I wanted to say. I like more than one type of woman. And while I’m not entirely sure that I need my relationships to be monogamous, I always assume that monogamy is expected, and default to that behavior. I would never make light of someone elses commitment to me by assuming otherwise. And I have absolutely no problem with this. I would not start a relationship without being ready to commit in this way.

    Showing interest in other people, is completely normal. Physical interest is just physical interest, and you can’t be everything a person is into.

    I like short women. I also like tall women.

    I obviusly cannot have both. But if I date someone tall, it won’t mean I suddenly stop finding short women cute as hell. I am FULL of contradicting interests like this.

    If I commit to someone, that means I give up on having whatever that person is not. And that’s fine. That’s how it should be. If a person chooses someone in that way, that means they’ve chosen them.

    The problems occur with people who do not respect the fact that they cannot have the cake, and also eat it.

    That said, if you don’t like something in your relationship, you’re allowed to say so. Just be careful about it. It can be hard to communicate stuff like this, without one of you feeling like they’re under attack. In a way, you already do, which means you should probably be talking about it.