I should have just died at birth. I actually tried making this stupid life worth living and it’s all wasted effort. Nothing improved, as manic episodes don’t count as “happiness”. I will always be burdensome scum and a waste of flesh and resources. I’m always going to be emotionally, mentally, and physically stunted. I’m always going to be a joke to society. I’m always going to feel like a void trying to blend in with the actual people. Nothing will improve regardless of how much I try. My only choices are being abused for the rest of my life despite everything, and being a burden at work and on society of the actually loved people. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. My life peaked at 4. I don’t see a point in trying to improve myself anymore.
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You’re at the beginning of enlightenment. To want nothing, to need nothing is freedom to have everything. Your life ain’t gonna end now, so that’s a waste of time to think about. But now that you let go of expectations, you’re free to experience the world for what it is .
Or are you still holding on to expectations? It feels like you’re not free to experience anything good since you’re only focusing on the negative. And focusing on labeling things as positive and negative.
The world has nothing to offer you. The only thing you can do is to work on yourself.
To be human is to be part of a community. A community that exists to support its members. You are one who needs that support, and if not supported then the community does not fulfill its function, thus has no right to exist. Our support for you proves we have a right to exist, and so your existence is essential to us. We need you. Can you remain with us so that we can remain also?
I was there. It’s really hard seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t think my suicidal ideation would have ever ended. I was just apart of me.
When I finally did therapy and some antidepressants it helped pull me out. My therapist sent me this video and it helped frame what I was going through: https://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc
Updated, clearly people are not ready for tough love here.
I sure hope there is no next life. If I can’t sever myself from the past then I give up. There’s no point in living if everyone still knows me as an ugly racial slur of a birth name and if I’m still going to suffer from things that happened years ago. I can’t move the smallest amount without being drained, literally plugging in my phone makes me out of breath. I can’t take this anymore. Parents should be allowed to euthanize their unwanted children.
