So much of the “soft patriarchy” comes down to “provide and protect”, as if just those two aspects are wholesome as long as we strip it away from violence. But violence and domination are always going to sneak back in to further the mans provider and protector status. How can i provide if i dont dominate and exploit at work to further my career? How do i further my career without the wife in her proper place, supporting me? Protecting my family sounds nice, but what does that even mean? Because to so many people i grew up with, it meant protecting the virginity and purity of your beautiful daughters, and protecting the neighborhood from “undesirables”

So i recognize that a ton of my insecurities are rooted in my desire to “provide and protect” and my shame that i “fail” in this regard. My wife is a breadwinner and i have been only partially employed the past year. Our living situation isnt as good as it “should be” because i cant bring home enough money to buy a piece of land. What is “protecting” my wife but imagining potential harms and getting prepared to do unnecessary violence?

I dont think it is inherently bad to provide and protect, but also, to remember that these are universal desires that arent owned by men, and means more than “making a lot of money” and “being ready to shoot at intruders”. I want to provide for my wife when she asks me for a cup of coffee. I want to protect my community from bigots and fascism. I want to spend more time with mutual aids that provide meals for the community. And just as a “man” wants to provide and protect, women do as well, but that is just called “motherly love”. Living in an LGBTQ neighborhood, i cant ignore the painful past of lesbian women providing and protecting for their gay comrades suffering from AIDS.

“Rather than defining strength as “power over,” feminist masculinity defines strength as one’s capacity to be responsible for self and others.”

This quote says all i need and more…before even being responsible for others, we have to be responsible for ourselves. This means self care, taking time for health, and continuing the practice of emotional openness. And being responsible for others - doing what i need for my family, and keeping an eye on my community to see how i can help address their needs. But again, this doesnt just mean “buy a gun and get ready to shoot at homophobes and ICE agents”. Thats just reverting to a different version of patriarchal masculinity. A nicer version that stands for a good cause, sure, but the most important thing for me now is to focus on what i can do for myself, loving myself, and trying to give that love to the next layer outside of myself.