Firstly, no idea about the origin of this phrase, but it seems like a poorly constructed idea that is broad enough to generate discussions on any point of view that you want.
What I take from researching is that sharing your troubles shouldn’t be a one way street, if both people support each other it isn’t therapy it’s sharing, which is just semantics at this point. Can I vent about life to my partner or only to my close friends? or do I need to hire a professional?
Alternatively a very direct reading is that your partner doesn’t have the medical expertise to solve your mental issues. Which is very fair, but again lay people can’t be expected to diagnose if their partner is suffering from depression or just sad that their dog died.
A really negative reading of this is just a toxic excuse, “Oh, my boyfriend cried in front of me so I dumped him, I’m not his therapist”
At the end of the day, ignoring this phrase, should I share that I had a bad day with my partner? Should we talk about trauma that we had as kids? Where is the line if there is any?
There’s a difference between a partner being part of a healthy support network, and a partner either being expected to and/or trying to “fix” you.
That’s the real difference in things.
Venting, talking things out, that’s part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. What isn’t part of it is being the sole support, being in the position of trying to heal the other party, being expected to just take any behaviours stemming from mental health or emotional issues, and/or being the source of advice all or most of the time.
Honestly, if the saying doesn’t make sense to you, chances are you’ve had solid partners. That’s a good thing. Until you end up with someone that’s not in situation where they can be a partner, where they’re really looking for someone to fulfil their needs and wants on that level, it’s hard to really wrap your head around it, because why would you?
We can’t fix other people, none of us. We can give them support, we can love them and help them be in a place to heal, but even if we’re trained in therapy, we can’t fix them. Nobody can, we all have to fix ourselves. A therapist teaches us tools to do it, and gives advice according to best practices at the time according to their training. They help us explore things in a safe and neutral way.
A partner is there to hug us after therapy, go home with us and live life.
When a partner is in a position where they’re trying to guide you, trying to advise you, the dynamic gets fucked up. I’m not talking about basic stuff, I’m talking processing the big shit mostly, or the little shit too much.
And it isn’t just the partner being asked to, it’s also them trying to on their own.
No relationship that’s supposed to be romantic can also be healthy when one person is in that position. It’s mutually exclusive.
Like you’re example of a dog dying. The two people crying together, processing the grief together is healthy. When it turns into one having/trying to pull the other out of it, it’s time for outside support.
With your questions, talking about a bad day is absolutely part of a partnership. Sharing trauma is too. Both can be very healthy. It’s what happens after the bad things are shared that really determines things.