I’ve noticed I have a problem with not noticing people’s bad intentions until I’m well into an interaction or relationship, and not having good ways to respond when I do notice. Some of this may be brain, but I think much of it is habitual from things I was taught in my upbringing that don’t work well in the world.
Has anyone successfully figured this one out? I’ve done a ton of work on myself and gotten a lot wiser, but I still keep falling into the same trap of giving my good faith time and words to people who are semiblatantly trying to take advantage of me, are asking questions in bad faith, or are just generally being kinda mean or creepy to me. Once I do notice, it’s usually gotten to a point where it’s a little costlier to exit the situation than I think it would be if I had noticed right away. It still happens even when I feel cynical or don’t like/trust someone.
Any way to avoid this in the future? I guess I feel like I need a good reason to think “fuck this person.” It’s hard for me to react to it in the moment when it’s not clear to me a)what they’re doing and b)how to effectively shut it down or extricate myself.
Improve your empathy. It sounds hard, but when you focus on body language it gets a lot easier. People will give away what their goal is before they even spit a word. You can say “Hey” to them and that is most of the time all you need.
Thank you. I should add that I am referring to manipulative people specifically. I can tell someone is being an asshole if they’re not hiding it, but I do struggle when people pretend that they’re being friendly or neutral or while also being terrible under the surface, if that makes sense. In retrospect it was usually obvious to other people, but I don’t see the bad faith element beneath the friendly behavior it until it escalates.
You can learn about manipulation techniques so you can spot some sooner… but ultimately it’s up to you to make a decision, and chances are you’ll either over-react, or under-react. It’s very hard to not make any mistakes, or spot the ones who spend their whole life learning how to manipulate others.
Thanks. I definitely do tend to make a lot of mistakes judging this.
Then the best I can suggest is don’t let what anyone says get to you. You can only control what you do, and if someone tries to manipulate you, and you catch it too late, well that’s just a valuable lesson for the future