Am I crazy to assume that, if I tell one person but don’t specify any particular privacy settings, they would leave it to me to decide when I disclose it to others?

I guess I should get specific here. I was officially diagnosed a couple of weeks ago, as having autism spectrum disorder level 1. I have so far only told my mom, who I live with, and my best friend, who I suspect is also autistic. Today, I overheard my mom talking loudly on a video call to my brother and his wife, catching up and sharing their latest news. Apparently her latest news included the fact that I have been diagnosed with ASD. I hadn’t yet decided how to go about having that conversation with my brother, and now I’m pretty upset that I don’t get to make that decision. While I’m venting, she also mentioned that I’ve been less conversational lately, which she attributes to my diagnosis and to me no longer wanting to make the effort necessary to talk to neurotypical people (in reality, my chronic fatigue has been playing up lately, which always leaves me with less energy for conversation - she knows my chronic fatigue has been playing up lately, but apparently thinks I’m just choosing not to bother).

Am I crazy to think she was way out of line to share my diagnosis with someone without running it by me?

I’m also not sure how to move forward with this information in any way without it seeming like I was eavesdropping - which I wasn’t intentionally doing, she was in the living room / kitchen area, I was heading down there to make myself a cup of tea (which I do every night at that time, in the room that she was talking in) and froze halfway down the hallway when I heard her sharing my confidential information. I didn’t know how to deal with the situation so I just stood there for a bit and then returned to my room without making the cup of tea. If she had directly told me that she had told my brother about my diagnosis, or that she was bothered by me being less conversational, it would give me an opportunity to provide input on these matters, but as it is I don’t feel comfortable raising the subject, or noticeably increasing my level of masking (to accomodate her apparent discomfort with me not doing so), without the eavesdropping issue potentially becoming part of the conversation and complicating matters.

I’m also bothered because I have a tradition of once a year going to stay with my best friend for a while, and typically stop off with my brother for a few days when I pass through his city. Last year unexpected travel complications left me burnt out, so when I made the bookings a couple of months back for this year’s trip, I made it as simple as possible, including skipping the stay with my brother. I haven’t yet told him, and now I’m worried that he’s going to take it as me no longer socializing with neurotypical family members (even though the arrangement was made before my diagnosis). The whole thing is complicated and no longer under my control because my mother decided to share my diagnosis and her thoughts about my behavior behind my back.

Anyway, I guess I’m venting, and looking for input on whether this is as infuriating as it seems, and maybe advice on how to approach the situation.

  • addictedtochaos@lemm.ee
    2·
    4 months ago

    sometimes, when we get older, we discover that things that seemed normal were toxic manifestations of a unhealthy relationship.

    this especially happens when a person is going on a path of self realiziation.

    the reason is that you are becoming more confident, and thus are trusting more and more your own judgment, while building up borders. others arent menat to cross.

    people that only know your old complacment self cant accept that.

    1. listen to people. they tell you who they are.
    2. mark how often a person doesnt accept you saying no.
    3. trying to change your mind by convincing you of advantages you dont even want is not okay
    4. you have to follow up your no by consequences
    5. keep attention how many times a person puts you in a bad position
    6. take notes with arguments for yourself if you have to. just for your own vizulization

    I had notes on my bathroom mirror how an when and in which way my friend took advantage of my naivity.

    it was shocking how many times i let that slide because i just wasnt sure if i understood the situation wrong.

    same goes for family. i blocked my mom, that why i write this whole thing in the first place.

    ok good luck

    ps. dont discuss it with your mom. do what you did, tell friends or seek help with other people.

    dont make an issue about it. just take note, write the incident down somewhere, and what you think about it. then wait for the next incident, and write that down. see if there is a pattern.

    youre autistic for a good reason, embrace that. analyze the situation, be aware that your mom has a perfectly logical reason why she is acting this way. but she sure doesnt want to hear that reason. so thats for you to figure out. if you have it figured out, you can deal with it, because it is a system.