My partner and I just had a talk about it. Basically, she celebrated her birthday today. I was on her party, and it was fun, but I left after around 2 hours to get home and relax a bit. After I arrived, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a lake and see the sunset. I agreed, we went to the lake and went swimming in it; it was really nice. Later, after arriving at my partners, she talked with me that it hurts her that I went out with someone else on her birthday, doing a romantically coded activity.
To be honest, I realize that I don’t have a single clue what is coded as a romantically coded activity. For me, this was something completely okay and appropriate, because it is for me clearly a friend-thing; but my partner explained to me that the combination of going out with another person on her birthday and going to a sea, which is a secluded place, just heavily connotates it in a romantic way.
I understand that what I’ve done here wasn’t right, and that I have responsibility here. Even though I didn’t want to hurt my partner, it is still my responsibility to inform myself here on romantically conmotated things you shouldn’t do in a partnership. So, dear people of Lemmy, what does constitute a romantic moment?
Edit: I’ve left out some information which seems to be important for the whole picture . I’ve copied it out of my comment and adding it here:
Me and my gf got together in August of last year, so basically 8 months ago; we were friends for half a year before that. She got cheated on in her long distance relationship before.
The friend who invited me to the sea I actually know for almost as long as my partner, from the beginning of Uni. She had a breakup from a three-year old relationship a few months ago, and I was there to support her. I didn’t clarify before though if she was okay with me cuddling with people or not; I assumed it was with her, because it was okay in her LDR before - which was wrong of me. I overstepped the boundaries of my partner here.
The friend in question kissed me at the neck while I was at hers. I talked with her about it and let her know that I wasn’t okay with it, to which she reacted quite hurt. She then told me that we shouldn’t be friends, but two weeks ago she collapsed at Uni and I brought her home. Now we are meeting again.
While I’m writing this down, I’m actually starting to notice that there are a lot of other factors playing in why my partner is upset here. She has been cheated on in the past, which definitely leads her to feel uncomfortable about my actions, even though I obviously don’t want to cheat. I broke a societally unwritten rule of not meeting people in romantically coded settings on your partners birthday. And I overstepped the boundary of my partner before by cuddling with the friend without my partners consent.
Talk to your partner about what they consider romantic activities, because everyone has a different idea of what is or is not romantic. It can also depend on other bits of context. For example, going to a fancy dinner with one friend might be seen as romantic by your partner, but a fancy dinner with a sibling or group of friends might not be.
The timing could also be a bigger factor than the activity itself. Your partner might feel offended that you chose to leave the birthday celebration/activities for personal time to relax and unwind, only to then go and do something with a different friend. Even if that activity with the other friend wasn’t seen as a romantic activity, your partner might have still been upset that they were perceived as a lower priority on their birthday, a day they might have expected to be more prioritized by them.
Even further, different people have different degrees of, for lack of a better term here, jealousy towards their partner in regards to activities. I’m not implying your partner is toxic or a jealous sort, but a lunch “date” with a friend is acceptable for some partners, but crosses the line for others.
Yes, makes sense. I think for my partner it was also really impactful that I did it on her birthday. For me, the logic was “okay, so I can’t go back to her party, because many people; another person invited me to fun activity, where I can participate; so why not?”
I think this is something I’ll try to learn that timing is really important to consider here. I think I only view the action itself, which I don’t think is wrong - but it seems that the context that it happened on the birthday of my friend is really important here.