I’m conflicted. I have a parent who’s dying. I feel the void of the parenting I was supposed to receive. They never fulfilled any of the obligations I consider appropriate. I’m a parent, now. They did none of the things I’m doing for my kids.

On some level, I know the expectation is that I should feel sad. There’s literally no realistic expectation that they’ll turn a new leaf in their 70’s and suddenly become a decent human being. Maybe there’s a 1 in a million chance, but when they die, that’s definitively 0. I want them to turn a new leaf, but I know it’s unrealistic. I get jealous (and keep it to myself) when my friends and family have their parents in their lives.

On the other hand, they are literally the worst person in my life. I’ve never had anyone treat me as badly and fail me so hard as they have. I haven’t spoken to them in years. They literally don’t understand why, because they’re a narcissist. Very “missing, missing reasons” kind of person.

So I’m conflicted. I have tons of evidence that they suck, but there’s still a part of me that craves a parent actually being there. Part of me thinks I should feel bad when anyone suffers and passes away, but another part of me is borderline relieved.

  • cordlesslampEnglish
    8·
    6 months ago

    Oh wow, I’m literally in the same dilemma lately and don’t know who to talk to. Your case is exactly like mine, how strange.

    My first born is now 5 month old and I love him so much, with all my heart and soul. It makes me realize how easy it is to love your child and how could my parents had treated me so badly.

    I got out as soon as I turned 18 and they have no idea why would I do that. So they told everyone how I’m an ungrateful piece of shit that abandon them the first chance I got.

    _My parents: Abuse me every day since I could remember.

    _Me: GTFO as soon as I could

    _My parents: surprised Pikachu face

    Never forget the day I ran away, all I got is a bag of clothes and $176 that I secretly saved up because they would took it away if they knew.

    When I was little, my mom would constantly remind me how a waste of money I was. How I owe them for every penny they spent on me and I better pay them back ASAP when I’m “able to work”.

    They would beat me for every little thing, like this one time when my mom yelling out for me from downstairs “where is that piece of shit?” So I answered “Ya?”. I was 8 at the time.

    Or the time she tell me she wishes that I would got hit by a car and die so she doesn’t have to waste any more money on me. I believe I was in 2nd grade at the time.

    Or when she misplaced a $10 bill and accused me of stealing it so she beat the shit out of me and starve me for the entire day, then she found the money somewhere she misplaced so I could eat dinner that day.

    My dad on the other hand, is not much of an “abusive” one. But he has never done anything to protect me either. He just doesn’t really care about me at all.

    Growing up, I has never had any toys or videogames or games of any kind. All I got are the most necessities like cheap clothes and enough to eat. And the constant reminder of how I should be eternally grateful for that.

    No one would believe me when I sad my mother is a bad person and I hated her. Their first reaction is always skeptical at best, or downright believe I’m a spoiled brat because “all mother are saint”.