“LOOK UPON THE FACE OF YOUR NEW POPE. HIS HAPLOTYPE IS IRRELEVANT. HIS PERUVIAN HERITAGE ASIDE, LOOK INTO THE EYES OF A CHICAGO SPORTS FAN AND KNOW THAT HE HAS SUFFERED LIFETIMES OF ANGUISH. THE FAILURES OF THE HAM SANDWICH RACE PALE IN COMPARISON TO THE ‘DOUBLE DOINK’, THE BULLS AFTER THE YEAR 2000, AND THE UNSPEAKABLE TRAUMA OF BEING A CUBS FAN. KNOW THAT I DO NOT SPARE HIM THE JUSTIFIED TRUTH ABOUT HIS GENETICS OUT OF CONCERN, BUT MERELY RESTRAINT; THERE IS NO ADDITIONAL MISERY I NEED TO PLACE UPON A CHICAGO FAN, IT WOULD MAKE ME SEEM WEAK AND OPPORTUNISTIC… LIKE YOU, HAM SANDWICH.”