It’s simple: just don’t be bothered by something that’s bothering you

This feels contrarian for the sake of it. Being in a limbo with someone you have feelings for is understandably uncomfortable for anyone. I honestly think dunking on someone for this just kind of shows emotional immaturity

As a bi enby I can’t even separate “wanting to be like someone” from “wanting to be with someone,” let alone clearly separating platonic, romantic, and sexual feelings. Like I just wanna hang out and do whatever we vibe with, and that could include sexy stuff or cuddly stuff or hobby stuff or deep conversations or whatever. I guess ideally I would try to see someone not being interested in sex as similar to them not being interested in going skydiving together, though there’s a lot of social conditioning that can make that difficult in practice. Generally though if I think somebody’s cool then I’m happy to be able to hang out with them in whatever capacity works.

I mean, if I’m romantically interested in someone and they say that they’re not romantically interested in me, that sucks.

Emotions are not rational. I can cognitively know “I am not entitled to this person’s romantic interest and having them in my life as a friend is just as valuable as being in a romantic relationship with them” but my emotions will still feel disappointed and saddened because my romantic feelings aren’t being reciprocated. Confessing your feelings to someone is also a huge moment of emotional vulnerability, and being rejected in that situation can make one feel powerless and inadequate.

Are you gonna tell me that if you confess your feelings to someone and they give you the whole “Let’s just be friends” response, your reaction is “Oh yay, I made a friend”?

This whole struggle session has made it crystal clear that the west is pretty much guaranteed to descend into fascism. A lot of people basically seem to knee-jerk dismiss concerns people have about being in the friend zone, and without a legitimate leftist response to this, tons of alienated young men are going to find their way to reactionary figures and basically become the foot soldiers of fascism. There needs to be more concrete help for these alienated guys other than saying “it’s all capitalism’s fault that you feel that way” or saying “oh you even mention the friend zone? tHaT mEaNs YoU’rE aN iNcEl!” I mean yes capitalism has really alienated us and commodified dating but that’s not gonna help the lonely guy who gets rejected all the time other than in an intellectual way. Also telling him that “you should just be content with life” is also not helpful either. I mean yeah you can be all Buddhist about it but would you say that to other disenfranchised people as well? “Hey sorry about the discrimination but it’s better to just be content with life.” Is this what an AES nation would do? Sounds like some idealist western shit rather than a principled materialist approach that takes into account the realities on the ground. The USSR industrialized, developed, and got rid of cyclical famines. China lifted millions out of poverty. They didn’t just say “it’s capitalism’s fault that you’re homeless” and then just leave it at that, they actually did concrete stuff. There needs to be concrete action done to deal with this issue other than mockery/dunking or simple platitudes like “hey just be yourself and be content.”

Anyways, like I’ve said before, the west is doomed.

Socialism is when you take an archetypical trope, (unrequited love), common to every time and culture, and dismiss it w/ performative, incredibly hamfisted, body-and-spaces discourse (whiteness, toxic masculinity).

For me the way I see it as a guy, being friends with someone, while secretly or not so secretly holding out for something more romantically and/or sexually, is just disingenuous. It also comes across as really needy, desperate behaviour. Which, in my personal experience, is the biggest turn off for women. So you’re not going to change their mind this way. The true motivations behind the “friendship” are extremely transparent and plain for everyone else to see. People can tell what’s going on, you know what you’re doing, the woman knows, all your mutual friends know on some level. There’s a reason “orbiters” get made fun of constantly for orbiting a specific woman.

If you still want to be friends with the person you have a crush on after being rejected or realising that it can’t happen for whatever reason, you’re going to have to fully accept that they don’t see you in that way. Then the friendship is longer based off of the idea that you can have a relationship. Failure to accept that will doom any future friendship for the reasons I’ve listed above. If you cant accept that, it’s probably better to have less contact with the person or even stop seeing them, instead of going though the motions in some “friendship” which is built off of the idea/fantasy that you’ll eventually date them.

couplehood is the modern religion and by that awesomely glib take i mean: there is tremendous socialization to find purpose and meaning (and absolution) in “the special someone”, which has only seemed to heighten in the parts of society that want to stay on program while our institutions fail and the climate crisis looms. all that to say, i understand the desperation especially among the young. so much mass culture (TV, movies, music) tells them that the only thing they will ever do that matters is find someone who completes them (because of course they’re incomplete as they are!)… it’s a very efficient way to get everyone (single and not) out there consuming.

but of course, i agree completely with you, especially as i’ve gotten older. i value my friends and treasure making new ones in whatever context or however long it works out. i would rather have a new limited scope work friend to joke around with than a new ex- from a fraught relationship where at least one of us was not paying attention to the warnings of a bad match.