One of the fun parts about being trans is now there’s this name that the government and most strangers recognize me as that I and my close friends don’t, but every time I think about the fact that I have a deadname now, I keep getting struck by this strange feeling that my deadname never felt like mine, even through years of me actively using it as my name. I remember trying to change it was I was about 17 but I never did because I only tried to think of masc names. For as long as I can remember, I could never look at my deadname and feel like it was mine. I didn’t like it and it felt strange to even associate that name with me; I only ever did because the only alternative I could think of was just not having a name, which would have been a massive inconvenience. I never even really thought it was a bad name, I just hated it for me
Did anyone else ever feel like this or am I just crazy?
My deadname feels so distant from me that even when I meet or hear of a person whose name is the same as my deadname, it feels surreal. Like, my deadname has always just been a cue for me to respond to someone, just like how someone saying “Hey!” to catch my attention doesn’t mean that “Hey” is like a name to me. I do not have personal association with that name, and I never did. I haven’t even legally changed my name yet, but I will do so very soon, and it feels odd for me to remember that my chosen name is not my legal name quite yet. I forgot that it’s still not on my ID rather frequently!